Episode Report Card
Demian: B- | 2 USERS: A+
Death Becomes The Hardy Boys

Oh, and he's getting it! Because Dead Jolene's freshly widowed husband Scott is now tearing through the emergency room in frantic search for his wife, and he dissolves into wracking sobs when he sees her rapidly cooling corpse spread out on the operating table, and he nearly runs straight through Dimwit El Deano to keen and wail over Dead Jolene's body, and Dimwit El Deano has the gall to look very, very sad. Shut up, dickwad. By the way, Scott's sporting a jacket that makes him look like a delivery boy for Union Oyster House, which is terribly confusing to me, because I thought we were in California, not Massachusetts.

Sometime later, Dimwit El Deano stands watch up in the 12-year-old wretch's room as the little brat and her rather vampiric father jubilantly plan a post-hospital vacation. Tessa eventually materializes at his side to urge him to kill the goddamned little girl already before anybody else gets hurt, but Dimwit El Deano again refuses to do his fucking job, despite the fact that Tessa correctly points out that the little brat's continued existence is "disrupting the natural order." "Chaos and sadness will follow her the rest of her life," Tessa warns. Unfortunately, Dimwit El Deano's not listening to her, because he's crossed to the room's window to watch as Grieving Scott staggers out of a bar across the street to pour himself into his car. Instantly panicking, Dimwit El Deano gruffs, "Give me a minute!" and vanishes.

Bobby's Emporium. The gentleman of the house follows Stupid Sammy's blood trail across The Emporium's charmingly decorated lawn until it leads him to a disused barn. Bobby throws open the barn doors to find...absolutely nothing! Because Stupid Sammy's actually behind him with yet another length of pipe, with which he beats Bobby until Bobby lies unconscious in the dirt. D'OH! Stupid Sammy drags Bobby back towards the house as the camera hops back over to...

...Apparent San Francisco, where Dimwit El Deano rematerializes in the passenger seat of Drunk Scott's car, which is now tearing recklessly through the early-evening traffic as its driver takes another few very long pulls off the pint bottle he bought back at the bar. Because Dean is an idiot asshole, he attempts to talk to Drunk Scott, despite the fact that he's, you know, fucking invisible. Drunk Scott starts speeding up when the story of his wife's untimely demise comes through on the radio, and with the car now on a direct trajectory to take out a packed city bus, Dimwit El Deano rips off Death's ring and tugs hard on Drunk Scott's steering wheel. The little sedan veers away from the bus at the last second and ends up smacking into a parked Range Rover, activating the air bags that explode with such force, I'm almost convinced they end up killing Drunk Scott anyway, even though they merely seem to stun him. Dimwit El Deano's unimaginably thick skull is, of course, made of stronger stuff than Drunk Scott's, so he endures the wreck entirely conscious, and when the last of the shattered glass has tinkled to the asphalt, he examines Death's ring for a moment before grumbling, "Dammit!" and disappearing into the CHOMP!-less commercial break.

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