Episode Report Card
Demian: B- | 1 USERS: C+
The Hardy Boys Stifle Their Gag Reflexes
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

Crackle, crackle, THEN! Oh, hell. I told these guys to knock it off with the mullet rock montages, but do they listen to me? No. Never. This one's set to Journey's "Wheel in the Sky," and while it's particularly well done, I can't stand Steve Perry, so I'll not be rewinding to pass through it again. Here's what I remember: Dean with his great big doe eyes imploring Sammy to carry on with the good fight, as their father would have wanted. A wendigo goes up in smoke, and Dean breaks the surface of Lake Manitoc with that annoying child. Sammy gets loud, railing against both his brother's blind obedience to their father and his father's seeming lack of, um, whatever Sam's entire life. Metallicar suffers grievous injury at the grille of a Mack truck, soon followed by Shut Up Daddy suffering fatal injury at the Thriller eyes of The Ceiling Demon. As the boys cremate their father's mortal remains, Dean LIES to Sam about John's last words, because Dean is a BIG, FAT LYING LIAR who LIES. And then? DEAN SMASH! Poor Metallicar.

Crackle, crackle, NOW! The blazing NOW recedes into the black, to be replaced by the full moon hovering over a title card that reads "Red Lodge, Montana," a real town that is quite seriously in the middle of nowhere. Crickets chirp as the camera slowly slides out of the sky towards the leafy foliage nearer ground level, but their crickety glee is soon drowned out by the racket that accompanies a young brunette as she barrels headlong through the thick underbrush of some sort of wooded area. And I'm not just talking about all the snapping twigs and panicky gasps for breath and whatnot, because the foolish brunette's dragged an entire orchestra along with her on her midnight jaunt through the forest. You know, if she jettisoned that massive string section, I'm pretty sure she'd be able to outrun whatever it is that's chasing her. She manages to bolt from the underbrush onto an actual footpath, but immediately tangles her feet up in something on the ground and sprawls face-first into the dirt. Just as she staggers to her feet, her pursuer's silhouette pops into the blurry background of the shot. The thundering herd of horns on the soundtrack shriek at the figure's entrance. The Big Gay Supernatural Dragon tosses the thundering herd of horns a foul glare for this transgression, then pops another clawful of Bugles into his maw. "This is getting a little exciting," he opines before sniffing, "but that silhouette looks waaaaay too much like Freddy Krueger for my taste." The imperiled brunette races off down the path with Freddy hot on her heels for a lengthy period of time before she...slips behind a tree, thereby effectively hiding herself from Freddy, who obliviously charges past her down the forest path, still believing she's ahead of him? Okay. We'll go with that. But only because the brunette ends up decapitated anyway. Ooops! Spoiler! The brunette shakily regains control of her breathing and, after cowering in fear behind the tree for a good fifteen seconds, slowly edges around its trunk to...BAM! Freddy pops up right in front of her and instantly unsheathes a miniature scythe that glints in the moonlight before he swings it all the way back with one arm. As the strings scream downward on the soundtrack, we hear the blade slice through a thick bit of flesh and bone as a burst of arterial spray splatters the bark of the tree behind which the brunette had so briefly found sanctuary. Awesome! The camera scuttles to the opposite end of the tiny clearing to take in what follows from a distance: After the briefest of pauses, the brunette's head thumps to the earth beside her still-standing body right before that body clunks down to its knees to drop straight into the METAL TEETH CHOMP!

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