Episode Report Card
Demian: B- | 1 USERS: B
The Hardy Boys Pull a Rabbit Out of Their Hat

Meanwhile, over in some bar, another douchebag showily riffles a deck of cards between his hands, but as that's all he does with them, I might be wrong in calling him a douchebag, as he might simply be a wandering, freelance croupier, but that's not important at the moment. What is important is that the camera eventually settles on this evening's primary douchebag performing a bit of sleight-of-hand of his own for the barmaid, and I realize The Rocky Horror Picture Show came out thirty-four years ago, but wow. When the hell did Barry Bostwick get to be so old? He's got liver spots on his hands, people. Liver spots! "How unsightly!" Raoul shrieks in agreement. "Now, while I myself have never been so misfortunate as to suffer from such depressing blemishes!" he continues, unbidden. "I can recommend Rozgé Cosmeceutical's simply blissful Original Formula Skin Whitening Cream, which will eliminate such tasteless discoloration without harmful side effects!" I'll be sure to pass that bit of advice over to him, Raoul. "You should!" Sigh. In any event, Horribly Old Barry Bostwick's liver-spotted and arthritic fingers fail to execute the trick correctly, much to the obnoxious glee of a much-younger douchebag at the corner of the bar. The younger douchebag -- "Patrick Vance," if my Internet sources are reliable -- continues to heckle "The Incredible Jay" while Vance's apparent assistant tosses her visibly drunk boss an irritated hairy side-eye. The barmaid, being kind, ignores all the snide commentary coming from the peanut gallery and encourages The Incredibly Old Barry Bostwick to try again. Incredible Jay, who's game face had fallen a bit during Drunk Vance's harangue, pulls himself together and suavely attempts one of those "Pick A Card, Any Card" deals, going heavy on the old-timey flourishes. Kind Barmaid's most encouraging when she discovers the card she'd chosen has disappeared from the deck, but the drunk douchebag in the corner's having none of it, and loudly hisses, "Check his pocket!" across his dirty martini. "For God's sake, Vance!" the annoyed assistant chides, but Drunk Vance will not be deterred, and slides off his barstool, staggers over to Incredible Jay, and pulls the barmaid's card from Jay's jacket pocket. "Thisssh your card?" Drunk Vance slurs, knowing it is. As Jay dispiritedly plucks the three of spades in question from Drunk Vance's hand to replace it in the deck, Kind Barmaid frowns, "Why are you so mean?" "Can't you just leave the old guy alone?" she unfortunately continues, eliciting a brief, "You're kidding with that shit, right?" eyebrow pop from poor, trod-upon Jay before she rolls her eyes a bit at her own stupidity and winces at her offended customer by way of apology. The Incredibly Insulted Jay just forlornly shuffles his deck.

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