Episode Report Card
Demian: B- | 1 USERS: B
The Hardy Boys Pull a Rabbit Out of Their Hat

Later that morning, Douchebag Supreme bitches his way through a conversation with his agent via his cell while simultaneously ordering his TV crew to set up for an interview with The Incredibly Rejuvenated Jay at last night's cabaret. Meanwhile, Dean sidles up to Charlie and Vernon -- who'd been eyeing the douchebag's proceedings with barely concealed loathing from a table on the main floor, don't you know -- and, introducing himself as "Federal Agent Ulrich," announces he's investigating Dead Vance's suspicious demise. Charlie and Vernon, old pros at the art of deception, icily evaluate Dean's fake ID and studiously mask their true reactions to this utter nonsense from Our Intrepid Hero right before the camera cuts back to Douchebag Supreme getting Jay's name wrong. "What a douchebag!" Vernon unnecessarily repeats, but as Dean quite honestly couldn't agree more, he happily proceeds with the so-called interrogation now that he believes he has something in common with the ancient magicians involved, and he presents them with the Ten Of Swords. Vernon admits tarot cards were a big part of his act back in the day, but insists he hasn't used tarot or any other cards for years, offering Dean a hand virtually jitterbugging with the old-man shakes by way of proof. "Though there's a guy down on Bleecker Street," Vernon begins. "Oh, yeah!" Charlie readily agrees, instantly picking up on the scam Vernon's about to perpetrate. "He peddles that kind of specialty stuff," Charlie continues, and tarot cards are hardly specialty items, but whatever. "He have a problem with [Dead] Vance?" Dean wonders, his eyes lighting up at the possible lead. "In fact, Vance crossed him about a year ago," Vernon assures Dean. "Probably cost him about fifty grand in royalties." Dean, with little hesitation, readies himself to go. "Four-twenty-six Bleecker," Vernon instructs. "Ask for Chief," Charlie too-helpfully adds. Dean thanks them most sincerely, and the next thing we know, he's...

...wandering down a dark alleyway on his own, eventually arriving at the address in question's heavily barred door. Dean bangs on the iron a couple of times, and his knock is eventually answered by a strong, silent type who lifts his eyebrows a bit in surprise when our dapper little fake FBI agent explains who he's there to see. The doorman lets Dean in, leads him down a set of stairs to the basement, and orders him to wait there. Once alone, Dean glances around at the dimly lit murals lining the walls for a bit until a heavy door even further below slams open to emit a few smoky rays of blinding yellow light, a thumping Eurotrash dance beat, and Chief himself, who just happens to be a very large leather-clad dungeon master. "Saucy!" giggles Raoul, leaning forward in his overstuffed armchair in titillated anticipation of the hilarity that's certain to ensue. And after giving Dean an appraising once-over and clearly enjoying what he sees, Chief grins, "You are really gonna get it tonight, big boy." "I'll say!" Raoul agrees. "Look at the size of Chief's whip!" Don't be vulgar, Raoul. "I'm sure I don't know what you mean! I was referring to his cat o' nine tails!" Yeah, I bet you were. "Hee!" In any event, Dean gulps and shakes his head a little bit at his own stupidity before apologizing, "There's been a misunderstanding -- I think I've been had." "Most unfortunate choice of words, if you ask me!" Raoul opines, and oh, Raoul, sometimes I hate it when you're right, for Chief offers Dean another silent and thoroughly justified leering appraisal before mincing -- well, as well as a 290-pound former offensive tackle with the Canadian Football League can mince, I suppose -- "Oh, you ain't been had 'til you've been had by the Chief!" Just as Dean's gay-panicky facial expressions threaten to make me put my fist through the television screen, however, Chief drops the act for a moment to ask -- quite properly, I should note -- "Before we get started, what's your safe word?" "Rita Moreno!" He was asking for Dean's safe word, Raoul, not yours. "Ooops! Hee!" I think Raoul's smitten. "I think you're right! Call me, Chief!"

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