Episode Report Card
Demian: B- | 1 USERS: B
The Hardy Boys Pull a Rabbit Out of Their Hat

And while you all furiously scrub your brains in a futile effort to rid them of the horrifically scarring mental image of a tubby little gay dragon getting had by The Chief, I'll head over to the week's motel room, where Darling Sammy diligently taps away at his laptop performing research on this week's case when someone knocks on the door. Sam, puzzled at who could be calling at such a late hour, rises slowly from his desk and eases his remarkably broad shoulders over to the door to peer through the peephole. On the other side? Ruby The Non-Sparkly Haired Demon, of course! And given the hilarious facial contortions she goes through to bitchface Sam -- yes, her bitchfacing Sam, of all people -- into letting her into the room, I'm inclined to call her Ruby The Stroke Victim. That temptation aside for the moment, however, the meat of what follows is this: While Sam and Dean were off ridding the world of cellar-dwelling mutant hillbilly bitch freaks and such, Lilith managed to break 34 of the 66 seals needed for Lucifer to rise, and Ruby can't believe Sam's here in "Magictown" "dicking around" on yet another meaningless case instead of out there decapitating Lilith like he ought to be. Furthermore, she thinks her darling little Corpse Fucker should just admit to himself that he actually enjoys using his almighty brain to rid the world of demons, but Sam is in no way willing to go there at the moment, so Princess Embolism prances on out in a somewhat lopsided huff, but not before yelling at him to call her when he's ready to knock it off with all of his pissypantsed whining and get the goddamned job done, already. "Well!" Raoul shrieks, appalled. "That young lady certainly has a mouth on her, I must say!" Raoul, I already made the "lopsided" joke, so you really shouldn't have bothered. "Oh, ooops! I should be paying closer attention!"

Still later, the boys meet up at Jay's Cabaret Of Death, and Deceptive Sammy right out LIES about recent events while Dashing El Deano prefers simply not to discuss his evening's activities, ever. I should probably note that we really have no idea how much time transpired since last we saw our adorable little stumpy bow-legged midget, so.... "What?! Pray continue!" I'm just saying the timeframe leaves the possibility open, that's all. "Among other things, I'm sure!" Raoul! That's revolting! "Hee! I thank you very kindly, indeed! Now be a dear and continue with your little story, because I've a feeling someone's about to die!" As you wish, and I think you're right, for Charlie's standing at Vernon's side with a straitjacket, which means, despite the heated little argument the elderly gentleman engage in regarding the nonexistent safety of the impending act, Jay's going to go through with it. But first, Our Intrepid Heroes must confront the elderly duo over Dean's little side trip to the IML beauty pageant, and the elderly duo must chide Our Intrepid Heroes for the latter's pathetically amateurish ruse with the FBI IDs. "We con people for a living, son," Charlie reminds Dean. "Takes more than a fake badge to get past us." Dean chuckles uncomfortably at this and attempts to alter his LYING cover story, but does so in so obvious a manner that I'll be skipping the details in favor of joining Jay on the stage as he explains The Executioner's details for the benefit of the considerably larger, more attentive, and more appreciative audience he has this evening. Long story short, he'll don the straitjacket and stick his elaborately coiffed head through a noose, after which he'll have sixty seconds to free himself before the trap door opens beneath his feet. Should he not make it in time, of course, he'll strangle to death. "VIOLENCE!" shrieks Raoul, clapping his impressive paws together with anticipatory glee, and for Christ's sake, Raoul, would you just wait for it? "Oh, I am so sorry, I'm sure! Do continue!" Thanks. After a volunteer from the audience confirms the straitjacket's integrity, Charlie draws the curtains closed, and the countdown begins with Jay's silhouette tussling mightily against his restraints.

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