Episode Report Card
Demian: D+ | 5 USERS: B+
The Hardy Boys Go Viral

"You're gonna kill Beverly Tanner?" Nurse Pam incredulously squeaks. "Can you cure it?" Dean demands of the good doctor, referring of course to the current plague. "For God's sake!" the good doctor exasperates, unwilling to have such responsibility shoved in her direction. "I don't even know what 'it' is!" "It's only a matter of time before she breaks through," Sarge warns, referencing the infecteds' apparent super-strength. "You can't shoot her like an animal!" Nurse Pam protests. Dean's all, "Wanna bet?" and hustles towards The Widow Tanner's temporary prison. Well, more or less. There might have been more debate going on there, but really. It's well past time for the fucking gore, people. "AMEN TO THAT!" shrieks Raoul. Dude, I'm sitting right here. Stop screaming at me. "WHAT-EVER! GORE! GORE! GORE! GORE! GORE! GORE! GORE!"

The armed men charge the barricaded utility closet while the fretful womenfolk flutter around impotently in the background. Sam takes a moment to steel himself, then unlocks and flings open the door. Sarge whips into the small room -- followed quickly by Dean -- to find The Widow Tanner balled up in a near-fetal curl on the floor against the far corner. "Mark!" she whimpers upon seeing him. "What are you doing? Mark, it's them! They locked me in here! They tried to kill me!" "They're infected, not me!" she pleads, beginning to hitch and sob. "Please, Mark! You've known me all your life!" Mark waffles. "WIMP!" shrieks Raoul. "HE WILL BE THE FIRST TO DIE WHEN THE ZOMBIES RISE UP IN THEIR MULTITUDINOUS GLORY TO RULE THE EARTH!" Raoul's becoming unhinged. "YEA, VERILY SHALL SATAN'S ZOMBIE ARMY SLAY BOTH THE UNDESERVING EXALTED AND THE POTENTLY STUPID ALIKE!" I think it's the holidays. "THE ZOMBIES WILL FLAY ALL RESPONSIBLE FOR THE CURRENT SEARS ADVERTISING CAMPAIGN ALIVE AND DEVOUR THEIR ENTRAILS!" Raoul, dude. Get a grip. Though I have to admit, if I have to sit through "Here Comes Santa Claus" one more goddamned time, I'm probably going to end up a little homicidal myself. ["Oh, God, that campaign. Carry on, Raoul." -- Joe R] In any event, Dean receives from Sam the stony-eyed confirmation that The Widow Tanner is, indeed, One Of Them, and so hesitates not one instant to cut through all the bullshit by stepping forward and plugging her full of lead. "BAMBAMBAM!" Raoul shrieks, clapping his paws together for emphasis while eagerly parroting Dean's pearl-handled automatic. "GOOOOOOOOOOORE!" And Raoul would go on like that for a very long time, I'm sure, were it not for the blessed arrival of the METAL TEETH CHOMP!

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