Episode Report Card
Demian: D+ | 5 USERS: B+
The Hardy Boys Go Viral

Once across the street, Sam rather conveniently bumbles into a telephone pole upon which someone has carved the word "CROATOAN," and we'll just pretend the production staff went to great lengths to make sure it looked as if it were gouged into the wood yesterday rather than forty years ago, so Sam's heightened sense of urgency during the expository blithering that follows doesn't seem entirely unjustified, contrived, and more than a little bit hysterical. Dean's all, "Cro-in-the-who, now?" so Sam -- as well he should -- condescends, "Roanoke? Lost Colony? Ring a bell?" Dean's expression remains blank. ["Man, even I knew what Croatoan was. ...It's east of Java, right?" -- Joe R] "Dean," Sam sighs with growing frustration, "did you pay any attention at all in history class?" "Yeah!" Dean bluffs. "The Shot Heard 'Round The World, how bills become laws...." "That's not school," Sammy peeves, "that's Schoolhouse Rock!" "Whatever," Dean shrugs. Along with Raoul, as it turns out. "Terribly weak joke, my darlings. Now could we speed along to the gore already?" I couldn't agree more, Raoul, so let's keep this brief: Our Intrepid Heroes natter about the Roanoke legend for a very lengthy period of time before realizing that, as Sam's nocturnal death emissions are always in some way connected to The Ceiling Demon, something devious, foul, and Croatoan-related is likely afoot in seemingly placid River Grove, Oregon. They also eventually realize they're a bit out of their depth with this one, and so make to contact Bobby and Ellen back at Harvelle's for little backup research. One problem: Neither of their cell phones has a signal. One more problem: The payphone's dead. "I tell you one thing," Dean grumps, referring to all of the dead phone lines, "if I was gonna massacre a town, that'd be my first step." DUN!

Out on Aspen Lane, the boys arrive at the Tanner homestead and mount the porch steps to the front door. Incidentally, there's a festive little "Born To Fish, Forced To Work!" sign hanging by the door beneath a lucky horseshoe that's quite unluckily nailed to the wood siding upside down. Sucks to be the Tanners, I guess. In more ways than one. Sam raps at the frosted glass, and young Jake Tanner presently appears with a startlingly toothy grin plastered across his face. El Deano whips out the fake government ID and asks if brother Duane is home at the moment. "He went on a fishing trip, up by Roslyn Lake," comes the reply. There's a joke in there somewhere about how close Roslyn Lake is to Boring, Oregon, but I don't have time to make it. "Are your parents home?" Sam inquires. "Yeah, they're inside," Jake smiles. Barely have the words left his mouth when his considerably shorter father pops up by his side to wonder -- in a manner that seems just a little too carefully concerned -- what's going on. The boys LIE for a bit before wondering when Duane's due back. Papa Tanner clearly feigns ignorance, and when Sam asks to speak with the missus, Papa Tanner hastily concocts the excuse that she's out shopping for groceries, despite the fact that Jake just now swore she was inside the house. Our Intrepid Heroes, increasingly -- yet silently -- freaked, thank the gentlemen for their time and turn to leave as a lonely railroad horn wails in the distance (which...what?). The instant the door's shut behind them, Dean offers, "That was kind of creepy, right? A little too Stepford?" "Big time," Sam grunts, so the two book off towards the back of the house.

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