Episode Report Card
Drunken Bee: C | 2 USERS: B
The Hardy Boys Meet The Lost Boys

Daddy then goes on to explain that he knew Elkins but they had a falling-out (when? Who knows, who cares?), and then asks to see the envelope they got out of the p.o. box. He opens the letter and reads aloud, "'If you're reading this, I'm already dead,'" and then starts muttering about how the son of a bitch "had it the whole time." I'm barely able to keep my eyes open whenever Morgan opens his mouth. Daddy demands to know whether the boys saw an antique gun while they were in Elkins's cabin. Dean sort of stutters out that he saw an old case, but it was empty. Daddy then gets out of the car, declares they have to "find them," and comes back around to lean in the driver's side window. Somebody's six-year-old kid is clearly both working the camera and directing this scene, as we get the always-sophisticated camera-jerk-to-the-face-of-whoever's-talking management of this conversation. Daddy's face: "We gotta find this gun." Sam's face: "The gun? Why?" Daddy's face: "Because it's important." Sam's face: "Dad, we don't even know what these things are yet." Daddy's face: "Vampires." Dean's face: "[yoip!] I thought there was no such thing!" Sam's face: "You never mentioned them!" Daddy's face: "I thought they were extinct. I was wrong." Got whiplash yet?

If you don't, here comes another chance, only this time it will result less from jerky camerawork and more from continually shrieking in embarrassment and throwing your head into the couch pillows. We get a Daddy Voice-Over correcting a number of vampiric misconceptions we probably have, all while the camera pans over the vampires hanging out by the side of the road like bad teens. Is there some sort of Order of High School Principals that manages contemporary vampire stereotypes? From what I can tell, vampires are bad because they like to drink, hang out in parking lots and around bonfires, wear a lot of leather and ripped denim, kiss sloppily and with a lot of tongue, listen to bad music, and just generally act like they're going to lock all the parents inside the school gym and start rioting and burning shit down. I.e., high school principals' worst nightmares. These stereotypes about vampires still stand, but Daddy wants us to know that a number of them don't: crosses don't repel them, and neither sunlight nor a stake to the heart will kill them. But they do need human blood to survive, and the little vignette we see during Daddy VO proves this.A car drives down a road and Mimpire turns to her vampire boyfriend and tells him that it's "all yours, baby." Inside the car a couple, each in terrible shirts, talk about how bad their shirts are. Really! The man's is paisley and the woman's is some sort of white eyelet crap, and they are totally having a conversation about how bad his shirt is. Shrug. The woman suddenly shrieks for him to look out, he slams on the brakes and comes up just short of a body in the road. The man gets out to check, the woman calls 911. The vampire slowly turns his head and bares his fangs aaaanndd....Metal Teeth Chomp.

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