Episode Report Card
Drunken Bee: C | 2 USERS: B
The Hardy Boys Meet The Lost Boys

Oh god. Oh god oh god oh god. Really bad bar music plays (and I mean, like, really bad, like John Corbett Band bad) (oh, haaahaha, you guys, please at least go look at that link. What is John Corbett doing? He is SO clearly angling his body that way to reduce the appearance of his rather hammy hips and thighs, poor man. Oh, Chris Stevens, what happened to you?), really bad bar music plays as Mimpire gyrates in the way an alien might if given the instructions that, to dance sexily as a human, you should a) move your hips in a circle, b) shift your weight from one foot to the other, c) wave your arms around. Now, if you were to get up and try to execute these moves at the same time, the result would probably not be "sexy" even though they are some of the components of a sexy dance. This is what my eyes are assaulted with right now. My eyes! My eyes! There's just loads of fun stuff happening in this scene, as in the background, the other vampires are just busy being vampires -- you know, throwing necklaces at one another and pushing one another in the chest. And they thought nobody would notice them back there. In a Peoria, Illinois community-theater acting class, this is a fantastic improv exercise: "Okay, you're a vampire. You are in the background of a scene. Go!" and everyone just sort of looks around blankly before cluelessly trying to nail "biker bar but slightly less human" and so end up just sort of shoving one another around.

The 911 couple are tied up on the ground, wincing and moaning, probably as much from having to watch all the sexy dancing and other vampiric antics as from the knowledge of their impending death. One of the vampires is trying to get the 911 boy to drink some beer so that he can taste the beer in his blood later on. Gross; that's like asking your boyfriend to take a shot of whiskey so that you can get a whiff of that fuzzy whiskey breath the next morning. And Mimpire agrees with me, walking into the frame and saying, "That's gross." Wait a minute! The sexy dancer was not, in fact, Mimpire! This Mimpire is much more conservatively dressed, probably because she was in the back of their dilapidated vampire nest paying the electric bill even THOUGH it's Vinnie the Vampire's turn to pay the monthly bills, and IN ADDITION to that, she's noticed that somebody stole her bloody snack from the refrigerator and that's the third time in as many weeks and she's just about ready to tear out her hair trying to keep all these stupid boys in line. Cut to the 911 girl -- who ALSO looks just like Mimpire; I'm not sure what's with all the oval-faced brunettes in this episode -- who's getting harassed over the beer, too. She takes a swig and spits it in the vampire's face. He goes to strike her, but Mimpire tells him to "wait for Luther."Who conveniently just then busts through the barn's double doors, dry ice smoking behind him. If ONLY he were wearing a David Lee Roth white spandex capri-panted bodysuit. No, unfortunately, he's gone with more of a Gavin Rossdale / Scott Stapp / The '90s Were In Some Ways a Version of Musical Hell look with an expertly tousled bob. Mimpire looks at him like he's a hot Krispy Kreme donut, and then jumps up on him, wrapping her legs around him and making out. If only these vampires had access to better guidance counselors, they could make something of their lives instead of spending all day and night hanging around and making out. She presents the 911 couple to him, and he is creepily pleased, as well as creepily wearing light-rinse denim. NOOOO, NOT LIGHT-RINSE DENIM!!!! ["It's coming back, honey. Just make your peace with it now." -- Sars] Luther tells his vampire crony to lock the boy up, but as the boy gets led away, tells the crony to "go ahead and treat yourself." The girls shakes and shivers, again because of the death knell, but certainly also because of this dude's Eddie Bauer jeans. The vampires dig in on the boy, and there's lots of squishing noises and screaming.

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