Defending Your Life

Episode Report Card
Demian: F | 3 USERS: D+
Let the Hardy Boys Be Relinquished and Abandoned
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

Rattle, Rattle WE DON'T GIVE A SHIT ANYMORE THEN! Darling Sammy met Amy Pond, and then Dashing El Deano killed her. Oh, and Sam is crazy. You know, in case you forgot about that particular plot point.

Rattle, Rattle STILL NOT GIVING A SHIT NOW!, and this is exciting! Well, sort of. A panic-stricken gentleman, racing on foot through the darkened streets of what the just-arriving location card would have us believe is "Dearborn, Michigan," peels through a deserted intersection, pursued by a black, late-model sedan that's apparently intent on mowing him down, and right here's where this episode started falling apart for me, because no one -- no one -- can outrun a speeding car. And yet, that's exactly what our panic-stricken friend does, leading that black, late-model sedan on a merry chase down the sidewalk until he finally ducks into a handy alleyway where, much to his surprise, he finds that black, late-model sedan already waiting for him at the other end. "That's impossible!" Our Imperiled Friend pants, right before spinning around and darting back the way he came, the sedan nipping at his heels until Our Imperiled Friend disappears into his convenient apartment building. The soon-to-be-dead gent opts for the stairs to reach his tenth-floor apartment, where he locks himself in and leans against the wall to repeat to himself, "You're okay! You're okay!" so we of course suspect he's not okay at all, a suspicion that's confirmed the instant his heaving breaths start fogging up in the apartment's suddenly supercooled air. DUN! And sure enough, the angry roar of a car's engine erupts behind him, and Our Imperiled Friend turns to find himself staring straight into the headlights of that late-model sedan. The car's engine revs, and as Our Imperiled Friend howls, "Nooooooo!" that late-model sedan rams Our Imperiled Friend right into this evening's...

...SNOT ROCKET! "Wasn't that a little fast?!" shrieks Raoul The Big Gay Supernatural Dragon. "I mean," he shriekily continues, "don't they normally tease us a bit longer with the titillating lead-up to the evening's first death!?" I think you're right, my scaly friend, but for one thing, I really don't have time to go back and check every other episode this series has ever aired, and for another, I'm pretty sure they needed to keep this opening bit short to accommodate all the endless talking that follows in the episode proper. "Oh, no!" wails Raoul, pressing a weary yet impeccably manicured paw against his forehead. "You mean they...!" Raoul gasps, appalled. "They talk tonight?!" Yeah. "And nothing else!?" Not really, no. "ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!" I'm so glad you don't get a cut of the payout for these things, Raoul. "ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!" God, it's going to be a long night.

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