Episode Report Card
Drunken Bee: C+ | 2 USERS: B
The Hardy Boys Get Religion

Storytime: Dean's "I'm dying" make-up is killing me, because I can't stop thinking about the time in fifth-grade English class when my best friend Laurel and I acted out the scene in Anne of the Island when Anne goes to see her friend Ruby Gillis the night before Ruby dies of a romantic consumption, and I got to play Ruby, who has the best lines -- "I want to live, I want to live like other girls. I -- I want to be married, Anne -- and -- and -- have little children" -- and my fifth-grade self totally rocked the shit out of the halting melodrama, but the reason I keep thinking about this is because in order to get into character I dipped my face into a vat of talcum powder, because dying people? Are pale, right? And then gave myself really dark under-eye circles, and I'm sort of wondering if maybe Dean stepped into a time machine to get his make-up done by me in the girls' bathroom. I'll save for another time the story about when I delivered a speech by Abraham Lincoln during my first-period history class, and decided to give myself a beard with a wand of water-proof mascara.

Ahem. Okay. Sam sits in his motel room surrounded by heart center flyers and graphic medical illustrations, trying to get in touch with his dad. We hear the familiar voicemail, and at the beep, Sam rocks the shit out of his own halting melodrama: "Hey, Dad, it's Sam. You probably won't get this, but, ah. It's Dean. He's sick and, uh, doctors say there's nothing they can do, um, but, ah, they don't know the things we do, right? Um, so don't worry, cuz I'm-a gonna do whatever it takes to get him better." Awww, little brother! Man, but their dad SUCKS. Check your voicemail once in a while, dude! Sam sits contemplating his lack of options when he hears a knock at the door. He opens it to find Dean, leaning against the doorjamb for support. Also, the soda machine is right outside their door. Total score! Brother coming home to die in your arms in a seedy motel AND grape soda? Sam looks cutely bright when he sees Dean, as Dean gimps into the room declaring that "I'm not gonna die in a hospital where the nurses aren't even hot." Sam calls him out on his shtick: "This whole 'I laugh in the face of death' thing? It's crap, I can see right through it."They sit down, and Sam tells him he's been on the internet for the past three days. And this is unusual how? Sam got a tip from one of their father's contacts who pointed them in the direction of a "specialist" in Nebraska. Dean moans, "You're not going to let me die in peace, are you?" Sam: "I'm not gonna let you die, period. We're going." Thunder clap of brotherly love.

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