Episode Report Card
Demian: F | 5 USERS: B
Family Matters

Once that particular annoyance has passed by, Soulless Sammy and Dreary El Deano scurry up to the room Parker Lewis had so recently vacated and peer inside to find Undead Zombie Grandpa interrogating The Alpha Vampire. By the way, The Alpha Vampire's been locked inside a cage, within which he's further been strapped and chained to an old electric chair. His hands and feet are run through with nails attached to the main generator, and he's got a couple of Frankenstein-like bolts jutting from his neck that are hooked up to tubes currently flooding his veins with Dead Man's Blood. Just so you know. "Where is it?" Undead Zombie Grandpa demands. "How do we find it?" The Alpha Vampire answers Undead Zombie Grandpa's questions with a smiling silence, so Undead Zombie Grandpa activates the generator -- which is probably about sixty years old, given the way the damn thing creaks and wheezes to life -- to shoot a few thousand volts through The Alpha Vampire's body. "Ouch. Stop. That hurts," The Alpha Vampire deadpans as blue sparks dance across his body. Frustrated, Undead Zombie Grandpa shuts the ancient generator down and bluffs something dull before storming from the room.

Now alone, The Alpha Vampire chuckles to himself before allowing the nails on his middle fingers to grow into three-inch spikes, with which he then starts sawing away at the straps binding his wrists, and even I have to admit that's moderately cool. "ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!" Though of course, that could be the sheer boredom talking. "ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!" Speaking of talking, The Alpha Vampire calls out, "Are you two going to hide all night?" Silent Soulless Sammy and Dumb Dreary El Deano are all, "Is he talking to us?" in a very non-verbal manner with each other so The Alpha Vampire adds a cheery, "Come on out, boys!" that Our Soulless And/Or Dreary Morons might know The Alpha Vampire is indeed talking to them. Dreary El Deano shoots Soulless Sammy A Look Fraught With "Oh, Shit!" before the METAL TEETH CHOMP! arrives to drag us all into the second of this never-ending evening's commercial breaks.

Super-Secret Interrogation Complex. Immediate aftermath. Dreary El Deano and Soulless Sammy warily make their way into Undead Zombie Grandpa's primary torture chamber -- where The Alpha Vampire quite naturally greets Dreary El Deano by name thanks to the connection established between the two of them a couple of weeks ago -- after which The Alpha Vampire and Our Soulless And/Or Dreary Morons attempt to talk each other to death for the next eight thousand years. Long and incredibly boring story short, while The Alpha Vampire claims he "was the thing in the dark" when humans "first huddled around the fire," and while he makes cryptic, joking reference to the "mother" he may or may not have, The Alpha Vampire doesn't really bother to explain anything about his origins. Nor does he bother to explain the uptick in vampiric activity over the last few months. Nor does he bother to explain why he's chosen to hide out in the middle of nowhere with a bunch of badly dressed rednecks for acolytes when he could have the entire planet as his playground, but whatever. The upshot of it all is that vampires and other beasties of their poorly defined ilk supposedly go to Purgatory when they die, and Undead Zombie Grandpa's been trying to torture Purgatory's coordinates out of the various creatures he's ensnared over the last year because Crowley told him to. Just go with it. No, seriously: Just go with it, because The Alpha Vampire at one point indicates he and other entities like him lack souls, but he then contradicts himself by claiming Purgatory "is filled with the soul of every hungry thing" like him "that ever walked this earth," and fuck this ungodly mess of an episode all straight to hell.

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