Episode Report Card
Demian: F | 5 USERS: B
Family Matters

Fortunately -- or unfortunately, as the case may be -- Undead Zombie Grandpa arrives at this moment with Parker Lewis and some soon-to-be-dead mouthbreather to drag Our Soulless And/Or Dreary Morons out into the hall, where they divest Soulless Sammy and Dreary El Deano of their weapons. Dreary El Deano attempts to chide Undead Zombie Grandpa for the latter's rank stupidity, but Undead Zombie Grandpa yells something about...something, I suppose, and at some point the soon-to-be-dead mouthbreather returns to the primary torture chamber to stand all slack-jawed in the center of the room, and then Soulless Sammy and Dreary El Deano try to overpower Undead Zombie Grandpa and Parker Lewis, and they would have succeeded were it not for the suddenly appearing Girl Campbell, who cocks her sawed-off shotgun in a manner so menacing, Our Soulless And/Or Dreary Morons have little choice to back down.

Meanwhile, back in the primary torture chamber, the soon-to-be-dead mouthbreather mouthbreathes his last when The Alpha Vampire saws the rest of the way through his wrist straps and escapes the cage to rip the mouthbreather's head off. "GOOOOOOOOOOOOORE?!" No, because he rips the mouthbreather's head off off-screen. "ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!"

Out in the hall, Our Soulless And/Or Dreary Morons plus the various budget-sucking Campbells hear the mouthbreather's strangled cries and quickly leap into action, but by the time they reach the primary torture chamber, The Alpha Vampire's long since flown into this evening's next METAL TEETH CHOMP!

Primary Torture Chamber. Aftermath. Dreary El Deano and Undead Zombie Grandpa yell at each other about their differing strategies and priorities until Dreary El Deano finally shouts Undead Zombie Grandpa down, and the five assembled survivors agree to split up and track the missing Alpha Vampire, with the first person who finds him decapitating him, because Dreary El Deano's had enough of this touchy-feely self-help torture crap, bitch. There follows a seemingly endless and endlessly unsuspenseful tracking sequence during which absolutely nothing happens until The Alpha Vampire finally pops up from out of nowhere to snap Parker Lewis's neck. Um. Yay? "ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!" Or that. "ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!" We'll go with that. Undead Zombie Grandpa fires a pointless round of buckshot into The Alpha Vampire's chest, after which The Alpha Vampire tosses Soulless Sammy up against a wall, promising to turn Our Soulless And/Or Dreary Moron into "the perfect animal," whatever the hell that's supposed to mean, and then a black-eyed Parker Lewis rises from the floor to jam a hypodermic full of Dead Man's Blood into The Alpha Vampire's neck. Um. DUN!? "ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!" Yeah, we'll go with that here, too. And just as Dreary El Deano and Girl Campbell round the corner to join in on all the wacky hijinks, two black-eyed extras buzz and blink and flicker in around the somewhat stunned Alpha Vampire, and the two arrivals plus Demonically Enhanced Parker Lewis proceed to buzz and blink and flicker out with their prey. "Their prey" being "The Alpha Vampire," if you had as much trouble following all of that as I did.

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