Episode Report Card
Demian: F | 5 USERS: B
Family Matters

A tasteful golf clap erupts from somewhere far above the remaining characters' heads, and they look up to find Crowley lounging around on a catwalk, and you'll forgive me for veering off onto a tangent, I'm sure, but I must pause here to offer a tasteful golf clap of my own to Gamble & Gang. You see, they've finally -- finally, after five and a half goddamned seasons -- figured out how to surprise the audience with a character's unexpected entrance by stripping the relevant actor's name from the opening guest-star scroll. Yep, go back and check for yourselves -- Mark Sheppard's nowhere to be found in the credits at the top of the hour. Brava. Shame, though, they decided to implement that cunning strategy for the first time in this hideous excuse for an episode, where not even Crowley's surprise appearance in the fourth act can save this wretched mess. "ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!"

In any event, and as I believe I mentioned once or twice thus far in the recap, Undead Zombie Grandpa's been acting under Crowley's orders for the past year -- or as Soulless Sammy rather delightfully puts it, Undead Zombie Grandpa is "Crowley's bitch." Soulless Sammy and Dreary El Deano are, of course, shocked and appalled and all that, so let's cut to the relevant bits of the scene that follows: Parker Lewis had actually been demonically enhanced several months ago, so if anyone out there actually cared about "Christian Campbell," be aware that everything thus far revealed regarding the character has been a lie. Anyone? Anyone at all care about Christian? "ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!" Didn't think so. Also, Crowley's interest in Purgatory is explained as follows: "I'm a developer. Purgatory is vast, underutilized, and Hell-adjacent, and I want it." So there you go. Those of you wondering why Soulless Sam and Dreary El Deano don't just bail at this moment, well, this scene contains a little surprise for you, too, but you might want to pull up a chair and get settled in, because it's a little complicated:

Seems Crowley somehow managed to gather enough mojo to pull Undead Zombie Grandpa down (or up) from wherever he'd been for the last forty years while also magically summoning the strength to drag both Sam's body and Sam's soul out of Lucifer's Cage. Crowley then deposited Undead Zombie Grandpa's physical and incorporeal being on Earth while dropping only Sam's body off on same. He next proceeded to make the following deal with Undead Zombie Grandpa: If Undead Zombie Grandpa does exactly as Undead Zombie Grandpa's told until Crowley gains control of Purgatory, Crowley will release Sam's soul; otherwise, Crowley will toss both Sam's body and Sam's soul back into Lucifer's Cage for all eternity. The bonus? This deal with Undead Zombie Grandpa effectively ensures Sam and Dean's obsequious obedience, as well, so Dean, Sam, and Undead Zombie Grandpa are now Kelly, Jill, and Sabrina to Crowley's Charlie. And yeah, I'm pretty sure that's "respectively."

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