Episode Report Card
Demian: F | 5 USERS: B
Family Matters

...hurled into a disorienting flashback to that vision The Alpha Vampire sent him two weeks ago! Or, you know, a reasonable facsimile thereof, because I don't remember a couple of these shots in the original, but whatever, because the disorienting flashback's over almost before it's begun, and Dreary El Deano gets hurled...

...back into the present to stare at the various human and vampire corpses now littering The Alpha Vamp's expensively landscaped front lawn. And because this episode is so horrifically boring, The Alpha Vamp's expensively landscaped front lawn drags me right out of the story, such as it is, to ponder the following: Why would The Alpha Vampire -- who, as we later find out, is thousands, if not millions, of years old -- choose to live in the middle of nowhere in the American Midwest, surrounded by a passel of redneck underlings, when he obviously has the cash to live anywhere in the world? It's not like the vampires on this show can't pass for human in the first place, and you'd think The Alpha Vampire, with his obvious penchant for exquisitely tailored clothing and unique manicure strategies, might find it far easier to move through the more cosmopolitan urban areas this planet has to offer. Hell, it'd be a lot easier to find both prey and new recruits in the more densely populated cities, so why has he squirreled himself away all the way out in the boondocks? "Because he's as stupid as everybody else on this otherwise charming little Friday-evening divertissement?!" Go back to sleep, Raoul. "Okay! ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!"

In any event, Dreary El Deano tippy-toes across The Alpha Vampire's expensively landscaped front lawn, dodging corpses both human and vampiric until he finally arrives at the manse's glass doors. One of the earlier soon-to-be-dead human extras appears in the glass for the briefest of moments before getting her soon-to-be-dead self dragged back into the depths of the manse, and a spurting gout of her freshly released arterial spray splatters against the inside of the doors just as the METAL TEETH CHOMP! barrels in to drag us all into this tedious evening's very first commercial break. This fucking episode is never going to end, is it? "ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!"

The Alpha Vampire's Expensively Landscaped Front Lawn. Immediate aftermath. Dreary El Deano backs away from the blood-spattered glass doors until he hears shouts coming from the other side of the house, so he tippy-toes around the corner and arrives just in time to watch as Undead Zombie Grandpa, Soulless Sammy, and Parker Lewis shove the hooded and manacled Alpha Vampire into the back of Undead Zombie Grandpa's S&M Party Van. Dreary El Deano endures yet another pointless flashback to The Alpha Vampire's earlier vision -- this a flash of The Alpha Vampire's unique manicure strategy as mentioned above -- but he recovers in time to slip away before Soulless Sammy spots him loitering about the premises when he should be back at the trucks with Girl Campbell.

Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13Next





Get the most of your experience.
Share the Snark!

See content relevant to you based on what your friends are reading and watching.

Share your activity with your friends to Facebook's News Feed, Timeline and Ticker.

Stay in Control: Delete any item from your activity that you choose not to share.

The Latest Activity On TwOP