Episode Report Card
Demian: F | 5 USERS: B
Family Matters

Campbell Compound. Soulless Sammy, having apparently decided to break up with Dreary El Deano, enters Undead Zombie Grandpa's study to offer his services, as he and Dreary El Deano "aren't seeing eye-to-eye anymore." "This family," Soulless Sammy claims, of course speaking of Clan Campbell, "is it for me now -- whatever you need, I'll do." Unfortunately, Undead Zombie Grandpa's still wigged about that whole Sam Has No Soul thing, and he refuses to allow Soulless Sammy access to his super-secret interrogation complex, so...

...Soulless Sammy sneaks into Undead Zombie Grandpa's S&M Party Van, fiddles with one of Undead Zombie Grandpa's cell phones, and...

...rejoins Dreary El Deano back at the Impala, because Soulless Sammy LIED to Undead Zombie Grandpa about breaking up with his brother. "ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!" Well, obviously, Raoul. "Samuel didn't take the bait," Soulless Sammy exposits while whipping open his trusty laptop, "so I went with Plan B." "We had a Plan B?" Dreary El Deano dimly squints. Soulless Sammy ignores that to explain, "I fired up the GPS on one of his cell phones -- we should be able to track him right to the Alpha." "The old man won't notice?" Dreary El Deano dumbs. "Trust me," Soulless Sammy assures his egregiously stupid brother while tapping away furiously at his keyboard, "he thinks Velcro is big news." A few whirrs and Pings! later, and Soulless Sammy's pinpointed the super-secret interrogation complex's coordinates, and the next thing we know, we've arrived at...

...a misty and disused warehouse somewhere remote. Undead Zombie Grandpa's S&M Party Van wheels up to the warehouse door, and Undead Zombie Grandpa and Parker Lewis hop out to head inside. Soulless Sammy and Dreary El Deano sneak up after them to discover that Undead Zombie Grandpa and Parker Lewis have locked the warehouse door behind themselves, so Dreary El Deano rummages about his jacket pockets for his lock-picking tools while Soulless Sammy makes note of the Dead Man's Blood smeared all over the entrance. And don't ask me how goddamned Dead Man's Blood smeared all over a goddamned door is supposed to repel The Alpha Vampire's goddamned redneck underlings when the Dead Man's Blood needs to be injected into the goddamned vampires' goddamned veins to have any effect on them, because I don't have a goddamned answer for you. Dreary El Deano picks the locks, and the two unsheathe their freshly sharpened machetes to tippy-toe through the warehouse's generalized and drippy gloom until Parker Lewis emerges from a room at the far end of a hall, at which point Our Soulless And/Or Dreary Heroes duck into a conveniently located hidey-hole until Parker Lewis disappears.

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