Episode Report Card
Demian: C+ | 6 USERS: A
The Hardy Boys Get Snuggly, Hugly, Mean and Ugly

There. Feeling better? "Much, thanks!" So, I might continue? "Please do!" Excellent, because when Darling Sammy and his remarkably expressive back and his extremely well-proportioned chest flip themselves around on the ratty and stained motel room bed, they find themselves...immediately accosted by Burnt Jessica! DUN! "Hey, Baby!" Burnt Jessica smiles, all teeth and fabulously glossy hair, the latter of which she playfully tosses around while adding, "I missed you!" The camera leaps across the room for a brief wide-angle of the scene during which Raoul and I are once more distracted by Sam's exceptionally well-proportioned chest before it races back in to focus on Burnt Jessica as Sam whispers, "I'm dreaming!" "Or you're not," Burnt Jessica too-casually shrugs, the smile never leaving her face as she continues, "What's the difference -- I'm here!" "Hmmmmmm!" Raoul loudly muses, exaggeratedly tapping an exquisitely honed claw against his chin for emphasis. "I wonder who could possibly be transmitting this awfully suspicious vision to the dear lad!" I assume you've stumbled across a likely suspect, Raoul? "I have!" Would you like to share that suspect with the rest of the class? "I would! [A-him!] Could it be... SATAN?! Hee! See what I did there!?" Yes. Yes, we saw what you did there, which is the exact same thing that you did during the series premiere, but of more relevance to the matter at hand: I do believe you're correct, my scaly friend. However did you guess? "That charming little Neanderthal of an actor-type person featured prominently in the Previously sequence just passed!" Well, aren't you the cleverest little thing? "Thanks!" Now will you shut the hell up so I can continue with this goddamned recap? "Well! I never! You try to be helpful to some people, and they just...!"

And while Raoul prattles endlessly to himself like that, let's see what The Great Dissembler has to say to poor, woebegone, all-by-his-lonesome Darling Sammy: "You SUCK, you delusional FREAK!" Well, that's pretty much how it goes, with Lucifer-In-Jessica blathering on about how Sam signed Jessica's death warrant the instant they said hello to each other back at Stanford, and how everyone even remotely associated with him is destined for the most gruesomely violent demise possible, and how Sam can never outrun his destiny, and blah, and it all makes Darling Sammy very sad, indeed, but none of that matters right now because he boosts himself up onto his elbows in surprise when Jessica suddenly disappears, and the ratty and stained motel room sheet's dropped down to his hips, and I can count each of his exceptionally well-sculpted abdominals and...

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