Episode Report Card
Demian: C+ | 6 USERS: A
The Hardy Boys Get Snuggly, Hugly, Mean and Ugly

Maine. As Dean riffles through Sucky John's demonic day planner, My Sweet Baboo flutters in off-screen from points unknown. "Where you been?" Dean grumbles. "Jerusalem," Castiel reveals. "Oh!" Dean sarcastically brights. "How was it?" "Arid." Ha! Castiel places an ancient-looking terracotta ewer on the single table available to them in whatever ramshackle hovel they've decided to hide in and, at Dean's prompting, explains that the relic contains a special oil they'll need for the sunrise Raphael-snatching ritual they're to perform the following morning. Dean frets that capturing the archangel'll be like "trapping a hurricane with a butterfly net," and he's none too pleased when Castiel assures him that not only will the task before them be much more difficult than Dean can possibly imagine, but also that Dean will most likely be the only one of them to emerge from the entire experience alive. "Well!" Dean exasperates. "Last night on Earth! What are your plans?" "I just thought I'd sit here quietly," my adorable little Baboo allows, and I can't tell if he's serious or wallowing in his impending martyrdom in the hope that such guilt-tripping will force his earthbound boyfriend to take him to see Love Happens down at the Waterville multiplex, and I really don't care because: Awwwwww! "Anything?" Dean eyebrows. "Booze? Women?" At this last, Castiel nervously flickers his great, big baby blues up, all, "What? 'Women'? But... but... girls are icky, and I want to stay here with yoooooooou!" Dean, completely misreading Castiel's obvious unease, manfully slings himself into his jacket and announces, "There are two things I know for certain: One, Bert and Ernie are gay; and two, you are not gonna die a virgin!" And, Dean? Darling? Sweetcheeks? Ducky Lips? Yeah, over here. There are a couple of things I know for certain, too: One, Bert and Ernie are nothing compared to you and your fluttery little bashful, blue-eyed boyfriend over there; and two, Castiel will stop being a virgin only when you fuck him.

Meanwhile, Darling Sammy's setting off a gaggle of gaydars himself, what with that pink paisley button-down he continues to insist upon wearing, but that's not important right now, for a trio of beer-gutted good ol' boys have entered Hoyt's to blow Sam's cover. Ooops. Sam mumbles hasty excuses to The Lascivious Lass that I really don't care about, because this subplot sucks, and then we're off to a secluded table so the new arrivals might confab in something resembling privacy with Our Intrepid Hero. Long story short, these are the guys Bobby sent to mop up the demonic mess now soiling that miserable hellhole of an Oklahoman pit up the road, and none of them are pleased when Sam confirms that he's "off limits" as far as The Apocalypse goes. And with that, the just-arrived Demon Chow head off to their deaths so The Lascivious Lass might flirt some more with the supremely uninterested Ginormotron, and fortunately for everyone in the audience, no sooner has this "Lindsay" annoyance secured a dinner date with poor, put-upon Sam than the camera whisks us away to...

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