Episode Report Card
Demian: B | 4 USERS: A
A Fistful Of Hardy Boys
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

Rattle, Rattle Tacky Blue Glitter THEN! Way back at the end of Season Two, we learned that Samuel Colt -- of The Fucking Colt That Can Kill Anything Except When It Usually Can't fame -- built a series of railroads in Wyoming that formed a massive Devil's Trap protecting the portal to Hell. More recently, My Sweet Baboo shoved Dashing El Deano backwards through time so Our Intrepid Hero could interfere with his parents' lives, thereby setting in motion the disastrous series of events that led to last season's abortive Apocalypse. And finally, back in February, Raoul The Big Gay Supernatural Dragon led an especially tragic sartorially challenged virgin into his tastefully appointed makeover den, where he changed her life forever. "Doesn't she look fabulous?!" Yes, Raoul. Yes, she does, but I'm afraid I must ask for your silence, as it's time for the...

...Rattle, Rattle Tacky Blue Glitter NOW!, which once again this evening is a LYING LIAR WHO LIES, for the instant it vanishes from our screens, the just-appearing location card informs us we've arrived in "Sunrise, Wyoming," on "March 5, 1861." Actually, the just-appearing location card is also a LYING LIAR WHO LIES, because this is clearly Cold Oak, South Dakota, but we haven't time to scream about that because the camera's already leapt forward from the wide establishing shot to focus in on a swinging iron sign for the "Western Courier" delivery service, which will become very, very important at the very, very end of this episode, so remember that name. "I'm writing it down now!" Excellent, Raoul. And after a couple of moments of that, the camera scuttles down to ground level, where it tracks the heavy, deliberate footsteps of a spurs-sporting, duster-encased gent whose identity will remain a secret for exactly twenty-five seconds. Another pair of manly, cowboy-style legs appears on the town's wooden sidewalk before stepping down into the mud of the street, and as various tense womenfolk glance nervously out their windows at the scene, the two gentlemen square off for a duel at -- wait for it -- high noon. We're treated to an extreme close-up of the second, black-clad gent loudly cracking every joint in his clearly arthritic hand before the camera sweeps up to take in his face, and it's... Radioactive Ted from Heroes! Haven't thought about that show in a really long time, and as I'm not particularly thrilled to be thinking about it now, let's travel with the camera back to the first gentleman, where it pans up past the sheriff badge pinned to his vest before settling on his face, and it's... Dean! Dun-dun-DUN! Our Intrepidly Time-Traveling Hero, all steely-eyed and such, glances up at the town's clock as it strikes the hour, and the shot whips back to a wide-angle just as Dean and Radioactive Ted whip their pistols from their holsters. The screen suddenly snaps to black, and in the darkness, we can hear the two fire.

Tinkle, Tinkle YEE-HAA! For this evening's presentation, the usual title card has been replaced by an old-timey map of the Wyoming Territory, the center of which bursts into flame, slowly burning outwards towards the edges in a direct rip-off of homage to Bonanza's opening credits. The fiery title of the show blazes into view from behind the map before exploding, and I suppose here's as good a point as any to note that the Wyoming Territory didn't exist until 1868. "Oh, my!" shrieks Raoul, feigning distress. "How on earth could they have made such an egregious mistake!?" And Raoul? "Yes?!" Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit. "Hee!" Now, why don't you toddle off to your den to fix yourself a brace of flagons, because I'm pretty sure this episode is entirely gore-free, which means you'll be needing the... "ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!" Well, that certainly was unexpected.

The camera fades up on yet another establishing shot, this of the now most blessedly defunct Campbell Compound, and as a card materializes at the bottom of the screen to let us know it's "48 Hours Earlier (And 150 Years Later)," Darling Sammy can be heard to insist, "It's here, somewhere -- I know it!" "Help me move this," he continues as the camera ducks indoors to find the boys plus Bobby shoving aside a large desk in Dead Zombie Grandpa's former office. The instant that desk is out of the way, Sam scrambles down to his hands and knees to claw away at the floorboards, and he eventually latches on to a loose nail. He pulls the thing up, in the process opening a hidden, heavily cobwebbed trapdoor to the Compound's basement, and the next thing we know, Bobby and the boys are...

...descending a ladder into the book-lined and bunker-like basement. "Welcome to the Campbell Family Library," Sam smirks as Dean deploys a little flashlight-fu to investigate their surroundings while waiting for the overhead fluorescents to warm up. Aside from the books -- many of which are locked in cages, for whatever stupid reason -- there's a wall of what appears to be old family photographs and daguerreotypes that the nerdy genealogist in me wishes they'd take time to explore, but alas! Dashing El Deano doesn't go for that touchy-feely self-help family history crap, bitch, and, after confirming that Dead Zombie Grandpa did indeed collect all of the materials present himself, he asks, "So, what are we looking for?" "Anything that'll put a run in the Octomom's stockings," Bobby replies, and with that, we leap into a...

...RESEARCH MONTAGE! "ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!" I couldn't agree with you more, my snoozy friend. Eventually, Bobby flips open an ancient, leather-bound tome, grunts, "Bingo!" and hauls the thing over to the table at the bunker's center, where he wonders, "Either of you jokers ever heard anything about a phoenix?" "River, Joaquin, or the giant flaming bird?" Dean rather unhelpfully snarks back. Bobby ignores the weak attempt at humor to consult the text he's translating and informs the other two "that the ashes of a phoenix can burn The Mother." "Great!" Dean perks. "Where do we get one?" "You got me," Bobby shrugs. "I thought it was a myth." "Well," Sam sighs, "let's see if we can find something out about a phoenix." And with that, we leap into yet another...

...RESEARCH MONTAGE! "ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!" How I envy Raoul and his Coma Of Boredom at the moment. Eventually, Dean pulls an ancient, leather-bound journal from one of the shelves and scans several entries from the early 1860s before landing on one of particular relevance to this evening's main plot. "Guys, check this out!" he excitedly calls out as he hustles the thing back to the table, where he begins reading aloud from the entry in question like so: "'March fifth, eighteen sixty-one. Sunrise, Wyoming. Gun killed a phoenix today. Left a pile of smoldering ash.'" "Whose gun?" Sam eyebrows. "Colt's!" Dean grins, so pleased with himself, he's practically piddling his pants. The ancient, leather-bound journal, you see, had been penned by this show's version of Samuel Colt himself back when he was laying down those railroads to nowhere, and Sam gets all grabby-hands about it for a bit before things settle down and Bobby thinks to ask if the illustrious Mr. Colt thought to include a description of the beast. Unfortunately, the illustrious Mr. Colt did not, nor did the illustrious Mr. Colt mention how he managed to track t

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