Episode Report Card
Demian: B | 5 USERS: A
A Fistful Of Hardy Boys
an, humiliated, pushes out his lower lip to sulk as he whips his serape over his head to toss it into the dirt. Wah. Wah. Waaaaaaah.

Moments later, Our Intrepid Heroes enter the sheriff's office, where the LYING LIARS WHO LIE introduce themselves as "Marshall Clint Eastwood" and "Walker, Texas Ranger," before inquiring as to The Illustrious Mr. Colt 's current whereabouts. The sheriff claims he hasn't seen The Illustrious Mr. Colt around town in months, and suggests they ask "Elkins" over in the saloon. Dean offers the gentlemen a tip of the hat, and the boys exit, leaving the sheriff, his deputy, and Old Judge Mortimer to their refreshing cocktails.

Saloon. Another old coot lies sprawled across one of the tables, drunk, as Sam and Dean cross to address the proprietor of the establishment, who for his part refuses to speak with them until after they've ordered a drink. You know, more or less. After some unfunny business involving Dean requesting "top shelf whiskey," the boys settle on rotgut and sarsaparilla -- and I'll be letting you guess which gets which -- before at last getting down to business. Elkins laconically allows that The Illustrious Mr. Colt passed through Sunrise "about four years ago," but the most recent rumors have The Illustrious Mr. Colt "building a railroad twenty miles out of town just by the post road" in "the middle of nowhere." Super-Smart Sammy immediately realizes The Illustrious Mr. Colt must be in the middle of constructing that massive Devil's Trap of his, but before the two can carry that line of thought any further, the bar's only whore saunters on over to them to propose...well, to propose what whores always propose in situations such as this. Unfortunately, this "Darla" person's syphilitic mouth is positively swarming with rotten teeth and God knows what else, so even Slutty El Deano doesn't want to fuck her. Fortunately for Darla, though, Judge Mortimer arrives at this very moment to escort her upstairs for a little geriatric bouncy-time. Dean then gags on his cocktail. Next!

Upstairs, Judge Mortimer's wasted no time in stripping down to his union suit and is now climbing on top of Diseased Darla when someone knocks on the door. Diseased Darla takes one look at the person entering her boudoir and screams...

...drawing the excited attention of Our Intrepid Heroes down below. As Sam and Dean race up the stairs...

...Radioactive Ted enters the frame and places a hand on Judge Mortimer's back. The old goat immediately unhinges his lower jaw to howl out in agony as Radioactive Ted's touch begins to carbonize his body, and by the time Sam and Dean barrel through the boudoir door, Elias Finch has vanished, what's left of Judge Mortimer now lies in an ashy heap on top of the bed, and Diseased Darla's cowering in a corner, positively paralytic with fear.

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