Episode Report Card
Demian: F | 84 USERS: D
It's The Hardy Boys' Party

So, upstairs, the remaining douchebag assholes sit cross-legged on the floor within their circle of salt, with one of them mindlessly repeating the stupid GHOSTFACERS theme song to himself until I want to reach through the television screen and throttle him. "VIOLENCE!" Raoul howls in anticipatory glee, because the imaginary gay dragon on the Internet fails to understand that an actual human being in the real world can't really strangle one of the little people in the television set to death. Besides, I can't figure out if it's Dickless singing or Dick, and I might end up throttling the wrong one. "Strangle them both! WANTON ACTS OF UNREPENTANT VIOLENCE AND GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!" Yeesh. Okay, backing away from the Raoul, now. Again. Some more.

So, where the hell was I? Oh, that's right: This fucking awful scene. So, Poor Little Dead Fey Corbett shows up again in his death echo, and Dickless -- mindful of Sam's admonition that only those with a connection to the deceased can break the pattern -- finally screws up the courage to step out of the salt circle and talk to the poor dead gay guy. His initial attempt fails, and as Poor Little Dead Fey Corbett continues to choke on his own blood, we...

...hop back down to the basement for a moment to find Darling Sammy blasting another round of rock salt into Daggett's rematerializing chest before we...

...jump back upstairs, where Dick has a plan. A plan so offensively worded that my eyes and fingertips are bleeding at the very idea of transcribing it, so I'm going to paraphrase. Briefly. Long story short, Dick informs Dickless of Corbett's longstanding crush on the latter and, after assuring Dickless he is indeed "brave" enough to do what's necessary to resolve this unpleasant situation, Dick announces, "You gotta go be gay for that poor dead intern! You gotta send him into the light!" I think it was the "brave" bit that sent me into a rage so murderous upon the second viewing of this episode that I blacked out on the sofa and could only be revived with a couple of healthy inhalations from Raoul's trusty vial of smelling salts. "Speak not of it!" Raoul shrieks, attempting to be helpful. "I find it's always best not to dwell on such unpleasantness!" I think I have little choice in the matter, my scaly friend, because this goddamned episode still has six and a half fucking minutes to go, and I'm on a deadline. "Then what are you waiting for?! Chop-chop!" I love it when you're being sensible.

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