Episode Report Card
Demian: F | 84 USERS: D
It's The Hardy Boys' Party

In any event, the faux credits sequence ends with tonight's five guest actors striking appropriately douchey determined positions on and around various pieces of equipment in the driveway of what I'm assuming is one of their parent's houses as the scratched-up GHOSTFACERS logo splashes across the screen. There's a skull in place of the O, by the way, and that's...absolutely everything I have to say about that.

There follows an extended Getting To Know These Tedious Idiots We Will Never See Again sequence that's played for laughs, so I'll be keeping it as brief as I possibly can, shall I? "You shall!" Thanks for the vote in favor, Raoul. "Not a problem at all, I'm sure!" Ed and Harry -- whom I'm already having trouble differentiating and so will likely endow with rude nicknames in the very near future -- fake slow-motion strides towards the camera as they V.O. about their day jobs at Kinko's, and wow. The dark-haired one is packing. If you know what I mean. Guess poor Corbett's not a size queen, then, now is he? "Demian!" Raoul shrieks, appalled. "Spoiler!" Hey, do you want me to get to your gore already or not? "I do!" Then hush up so I can get through this crap, okay? "Okay!" So, the other one -- the one with the evidently tiny dick -- explains that they used to be "two lone wolves" with regard to all of this paranormal investigation shit until they realized two lone wolves "need other wolves," so we bounce past a title card that reads "Phase I: The Homework" to join Dick and Dickless as they head into someone's parents' garage in order to meet the rest of the team. First up is poor, doomed "Alan J. Corbett," who's labeled as "Intern, Cook" in the little identifying card that pops up at the bottom of the screen while he lugs some groceries in from outside. As he pulls some General Foods International Coffees from the bags, he explains he first met Dickless when the latter was posting flyers for a new ghost-hunting club, or whatever, and because poor, doomed Corbett obviously has no taste, what with all the Hazelnut Belgian Café and Dark Mayan Chocolate he just paid good money for, he immediately developed a severe crush on the bespectacled loser and tagged along after him like a tiny gay stray puppy dog. Or something like that. Next up is "Maggie Zeddmore" -- "Research Team, Adopted" -- who happens to be Dickless's -- wait for it -- adopted sister. She notes that Dickless has been "obsessed with the supernatural" since they were tots, and the instant he met Dick at computer camp, "it was love at first geek." But, you know, not in a gay way, because that's Poor Little Fey Doomed Corbett's job this evening. Finally, we get around to "Kenny Spruce" -- "Camera, Licensed Shamanologist, 1/16 Cherokee" -- who tells us, "I am fifteen-sixteenths Jew, one-sixteenth Cherokee," like we couldn't read that last part ourselves. Jackass. He continues, "My grandfather is a mohel, my great-grandfather was a tallis maker, and my great-great grandfather was a degenerate gambler and had a peyote addiction." Stow it, dicksmack. God, I hate this show. By the way, Spruce delivered this interview while working his own day job, cruising through the putting green at the local golf course, collecting balls. Though, again, not in a gay way, because Poor Little Fey Doomed Corbett's got that covered, thanks very much.

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