Hello, Cruel World

Episode Report Card
Demian: B+ | 3 USERS: A
Did You Know The Hardy Boys Are Utterly Insane?

...SNOT ROCKET! "This new title card is most unhygienic, I must say!" shrieks Raoul The Big Gay Supernatural Dragon, who should know a thing or two about hygienic issues at this point in his exceptionally long life. "And just what is that supposed to mean, HMMMM?!" Raoul shrieks again, twisting himself around atop his overstuffed armchair to glare at yours truly, and nothing! I'm sure I meant absolutely nothing by that remark at all, my impressively fanged companion! Now, shall we carry on into the episode proper? "Hmph!" Good.

Back on the shores of scenic Lake Leviathan, Dean grunts, "Dammit!" "You said it," Bobby wearily agrees. "If those things are in the pipes," he unnecessarily explains, "they got themselves a highway to anywhere." Miraculously, My Former Baboo's soggy trench coat has already drifted to shore -- though there's absolutely no sign whatsoever of the rest of his clothing, of course -- and Dean squats down to retrieve it. "So, he's gone?" Dean wonders, referring of course to My Former Baboo, and sweetie, really. Do you not watch your own show? No one's gone, ever. Well, except for your worthless bastard of a so-called father, but that's only because Jeffrey Dean Morgan's movie career looked like it was gonna blow up, and now that that seems to have fallen all to hell, I wouldn't be surprised if even he pops back into your goddamned lives at some wretched point in the very near future. "Dumb son of a bitch!" Dean mourns, manfully, as he rolls My Once And Future Baboo's trench coat up into a drippy ball of angst. "Well," Bobby dryly observes, "he was friends with us, wasn't he? Can't get much dumber than that." And with that, Our Intrepid Heroes plus Bobby slowly trudge back to their cars.

The camera, however, tarries behind, lingering on the shores of scenic Lake Leviathan as The Doobie Brothers begin serenading us with their smash Billboard Hot 100 hit, "Black Water," and get it? No, seriously, do you... "WE GOT IT!" There's no call to get snippy, Raoul. "Oh, my apologies, I'm sure! I'm just anxious for a little bloodshed!" Well, I'm afraid you're going to have to wait a bit longer for that, my scaly friend. "Rats!" Yep, first we must follow along as the shot cross-fades into a montage of local residents making use of their bounteous municipal water supply in a variety of entertaining ways. A bevy of nubile young scantily-clad female cheerleaders holds a fundraising car wash for the Stockville High Sharks down on the school's football field while elsewhere, a prim-looking matron refills her capacious Brita-brand pitcher in her well-appointed suburban kitchen. Meanwhile, a wee slip of a preadolescent girl sucks on a park fountain as her bored-looking elder brother occupies himself with some fascinating something off screen. "Eeep!" Oh, sorry, Raoul -- guess I should have warned you about the preadolescent girl, huh? "Eeeeep!" Well, it should at least please you to note that the tiny nightmare does end up with a mouthful of bitterly black demonic foulness for her trouble, shouldn't it? "Eeeeeeeep!" Guess not. I'll just let you seize up in a paroxysm of fear over there on your overstuffed armchair, then, and continue with the recap, shall I? "EEEEEEEP!" Fine. The tiny nightmare swallows the bilious crap and shudders herself into a brief series of jerky convulsions before calming down and allowing a small, sinister smile to pass across her face. She slowly twists her head around to stare balefully at her oblivious and soon-to-be-dead older brother for a moment, and then we're off to...

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