Hello, Cruel World

Episode Report Card
Demian: B+ | 3 USERS: A
Did You Know The Hardy Boys Are Utterly Insane?

...DAMMIT. Why the hell did they cut back to the Emporium now? "It does seem most inopportune!" You got that right, lizard. "Thanks!" Anyway, we cut back to the Emporium, where Sam studiously avoids acknowledging Lucifer's presence in the kitchen as he answers a call from Dean, who confirms what we already know about the recent dastardly goings-on in the Stockville High locker room. As the two Leviathanically-enhanced swim team members were spotted gassing up their stolen getaway vehicle just south of the Dakota state line, Dean intends to return to the Emporium so they might track the suspects from there. "How you doin'?" Dean eventually asks. "Fine!" Sam LIES, and when the brothers hang up on each other, Lucifer makes with the witty remarks I'll not be bothering to transcribe because we really, really need to get back to...

...Sioux Falls General. Sheriff Jody trails her apparent doctor back to a ward that's been closed for renovations, and she peers through an OR window just in time to watch as her apparent doctor scarfs down her erstwhile roommate's liver! "GOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!" Sheriff Jody stifles a shriek and, clutching at the wound in her abdomen, she barrels back out to the main hall, where the on-duty nurse loudly wonders what the hell she's doing out of bed. Sheriff Jody's eyes promptly roll back into her skull, and she collapses into this evening's next METAL TEETH CHOMP!, momentarily dead to the world.

Sioux Falls General. Aftermath. Sheriff Jody wakes to find herself back in her bed with the on-duty nurse fussing over her. She's about to mention her late, unlamented roommate's absence when her apparent doctor strides in, delicately wiping his lips with a handkerchief. Sheriff Jody thinks fast and LIES about itchy stitches to explain her earlier foray into the hall, but it doesn't really matter because Doctor Leviathan clearly knows what's really going on and, after supervising as the nurse pumps Sheriff Jody full of sedatives, he promises, "Check on you later!" and exits with a fiendish grin on his face. The nurse follows, and as soon as they've vanished, Sheriff Jody flings back the covers, rips out her IV, grabs her purse, and heads for the exit, all the while muttering, "You can kiss my ass, Doctor Monsterface!" "Atta girl!" Unfortunately, the sedatives are already kicking in, and Sheriff Jody all but staggers to her knees long before she reaches the door. DUN!

Cut to The Emporium study, where we find Lucifer practicing his golf swing. Figures Satan would be into golf. Darling Sammy flounces in from the kitchen and huffs, "If this is some dream, and you've got power over it, why don't you just end it?" It's adorable. Lucifer of course replies that he's having far too much fun fucking with Sam to end it all now, and besides, if Sam really wants to be done with this whole ridiculous situation, he can always blow his own head off. "VIOLENCE!" Unfortunately, Bobby bumbles in before we can explore this intriguing option further, and they crack open some beers and settle down to chat at each other -- AGAIN, SOME MORE -- and right as Raoul and I are about to lapse into Comas Of Boredom, Lucifer materializes behind Bobby with a fireplace poker in his hand. "EEEEEEEEEEEEE!" And as Bobby babbles on endlessly about family and trust and whatever, Satan rams that damn poker right through Bobby's chest! "GOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!" In a desperate and desperately funny attempt to maintain his composure, Darling Sammy does his level best to ignore the drippy bits of Bobby's guts that are now soiling the linoleum beneath their feet, and just as he's about to crack and run screaming from the room, the phone rings, shattering the hallucination.

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