Episode Report Card
Drunken Bee: C- | 2 USERS: B+
The Lord God Your Hardy Boys

When Rich replies with a "it's okay" we begin to get excited for his imminent death because there is nothing Hollywood likes more is to put a woman in a slutty outfit, have her encounter a boorish man who doesn't understand that her outfit does not indicate an openness to boob poking, and then have that man get raked across the face with a meat hook. Like what happens in Pretty Woman. I mean, the director's cut, of course. Can we pause for just a moment to wonder exactly what Rich is trying to ease her into here? Wanton open-hand boob caressing, a la Tune in Tokyo? What is wrong with boys, anyhow?

Pause for pondering over, because we pull back from the car to an exterior shot that shows a cloaked shadow figure with a meat hook for a right hand from behind, standing and watching the parked truck.

Back in the car, Plain Jane and Rich keep smooching. I'm sorry I have to keep saying "smooching," but I think it is the most accurate description of what they are doing. This time Rich reaches up behind her neck to try to untie her slut sack's halter tie. Plain Jane pulls back and is like, "listen, I know you receive lots of mixed messages about what women want from men -- and about seventy-five percent of those messages are indeed somehow connected to Julia Roberts -- but I'm here to tell you that women do not, in fact, want to get paid for having their naked ass pressed onto piano keys, nor give up satisfying careers as sleek fashion photographers to take care of your kids, nor find some man to rubber mallet them into the wedded bliss they've been running away from for years, nor have very public breakdowns about their cheating husbands, nor act completely nonsensically about their "best friend's" totally nonsensical wedding all while sporting the very prominent shoulder pads common to food critics (WTF?), nor do ANYTHING ELSE that Julia Roberts spent doing in the '90s, and ESPECIALLY we do NOT want to endure a boob fondling like that totally gross one Jason Alexander attempts to unleash on Ms. Roberts in Pretty Woman, the one that UNFORTUNATELY made us cheer in relief when Richard Gere came riding up in white pleather to the tune of mothereffing Roxette. Those are some things we do. not. want."

Actually, she doesn't say any of that. Instead, the smooching kiddos are brought up by the hellish screeching of the Hook Man's hook scratching across a "Dead End" sign. Plain Jane and Rich are scared out of their minds inside the car, while outside we get a shot of the Hook Man dragging his hook across yet another metal road sign (dude, you can kill people just as effectively without the whole Blue Man Group percussive crap). He sort of drifts sideways and then his figure disappears. Back in the car, Rich decides to step out and investigate the noise. Once outside the truck, he sees a nasty scrape dragged across the side of his car, but no Hook Man. His tires get punctured, again, invisibly. Inside the car, Plain Jane screams as the back windshield shatters inside its frame, and then calls out for her date who doesn't answer. The soundtrack is quiet as she breathes heavily, and then the tympani and horns start bleeting as she locks the doors and rolls up the windows to the truck. She calls out, begging for her date to tell her where he is. The soundtrack goes quiet again and...

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