How to Win Friends and Influence Monsters

Episode Report Card
Demian: B | 4 USERS: B
The Hardy Boys Don't Know Dick

And when it's over, the camera pulls back to reveal we've actually been watching the entire Dick profile on Sam's trusty laptop. "It's all making sense," Dean muses as he shuts the laptop lid. "Remember when Crowley kept going on about hating Dick?" he reminds the others. "I thought he was just being general." Okay, that one was kind of funny. Anyway, Bobby jumps in to state something obvious about The Leviathans "playing on a much bigger board" now, and Sam frets about Our Intrepid Heroes' general inability to do anything about anything at the moment. It's almost as dull as watching them wander through The Lush Coastal Rainforests Of Southeastern New Jersey. Eventually, Bobby pulls out a massive piece of surveillance equipment he borrowed from that paranoid Frank person, and he announces, "It's time to find out what these ugly bastards are up to."

Not much, as the next sequence proves. Back inside the warehouse, Mr. Roman -- and no, I'll no longer be referring to him as "Dick," thank you very much -- joins his assistant, "Susan," along with The Good Doctor to stand on an observation platform, from which the trio gazes down upon a family of great big fat persons, each of whom munches almost automatically on a Pepperjack Turducken Slammer while staring dully at a television set in a study pen done up to resemble a suburban living room. The Good Doctor explains at length regarding the particulars of his little experiment, and what you need to know about it all is this: The additive they've "introduced" into the Pepperjack Turducken Slammers has thus far exhibited a "near-one-hundred-percent rate of effectiveness," with that vast majority of The Leviathans' unwitting subjects experiencing an immediate deceleration of metabolism along with a "dampening" of their "emotional range," "which makes them perfectly complacent." Just why The Leviathans would want to turn all of humanity into great big emotionally stunted fat persons remains unsaid, though I think it's pretty obvious. Dick Roman offers The Good Doctor his unctuous congratulations, then pointedly asks, "Now, what can you tell me about your failures?" "The ones that went off the rails after they ate your little treats," he prompts when The Good Doctor does not immediately respond. "They've been very instructive!" The Good Doctor eventually claims. "No," Mr. Roman shakes his head, "I asked for complacency, not complacency and a point-oh-three-percent margin of hyper-adrenalized cannibalism." "I will have this under control," The Good Doctor hastens to assure him, but sly Susan's already brandishing that "Human Burrito" headline from earlier, and we all know how much Mr. Roman hates to see The Leviathans' "little forays making the newspapers." "I want to turn this little mistake into a big, fat teachable moment," Mr. Roman declares. "Will you help me with that?" The Good Doctor couldn't be happier to oblige his boss, and Mr. Roman offers his minion yet another of those toothy smiles of his that never quite reach his eyes, if you know what I mean. I've never seen James Patrick Stuart in anything else that he's done, but he makes for a terrific sociopath here. Pity the second half of this episode's so goddamned chatty, though. "ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!" Exactly.

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