How to Win Friends and Influence Monsters

Episode Report Card
Demian: B | 4 USERS: B
The Hardy Boys Don't Know Dick

...rejoining the gentleman as he stretches to switch off his bedside light, after which he activates his iPod, encases himself further within the depths of his silvery cocoon, and closes his eyes to drift off to Volume Four of Nature Sounds' Sounds Of Nature, which the mellow narrator informs us is entitled "Soothing Seas." Seagulls erupt on the soundtrack as everything slowly fades to black.

And then everything just as slowly fades back into focus so the camera might pan up the slumbering gentleman's sleeping bag to land on his face, after which it gently rotates to reveal he's been suspended upside-down in a tree. D'OH! "What the hell?" the gentleman of course grunts upon awakening, and as he tries to squirm his way out of his tight cocoon, forest noises erupt from the treetop high above his bound feet. "Leanne!" this evening's first bit of Monster Chow bellows, presumably calling for his wife, but he shouldn't have bothered, for the Animal Cam is now upon him, slowly devouring downwards. "EEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Don't get too excited, hon. "Really?!" Really, 'cause just when we think we're going to get treated to some of the good stuff, the shot discreetly hops down to the ground below, where it captures only a few stray, shredded scraps of bloodstained sleeping bag as they drift down into the dirt. "Oh, poop!" I sympathize with your disappointment, my scaly friend, but...wait a minute! "What!?" Could it be? "What?!" It is! "WHAT!?" At the last instant, the iPod drops into view with one of the buds still attached to the guy's ear! "GOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!" Oh, I'm so happy they managed to come through for you, Raoul. "EEEEEEEEEEEEE!" And as Raoul writhes about atop his overstuffed armchair, shrieking with delight, the lovely scene vanishes amid the onslaught of this evening's...

...SNOT ROCKET! "EEEEEEEEEEEEE!" I don't think Raoul has anything to add at this juncture. "EEEEEEEEEEEEE!" So, I'll just keep going? "EEEEEEEEEEEEEAR!" All-righty, then:

A pair of jumper cables tumble down into view as yet another just-appearing location card informs us we've arrived in Hammonton, New Jersey, which is apparently The Blueberry Capital Of The World. Just so you know. In any event, those jumper cables are dangling in an obviously long-disused stairwell, and Darling Sammy presently appears to snatch at them while calling out, "You strip enough wire?" Elsewhere in the abandoned farmhouse Our Intrepid Heroes are currently calling home, Dashing El Deano testily replies, "Yes, I stripped enough wire!" He's standing in front of a fuse box, and when Sam attaches the crocodile clips to the appropriate bits of the thing, sparks flash, and the lights around them blink on. Bobby joins them from outdoors with a cooler and some additional equipment, and as they settle themselves around a decrepit dinner table in front of a blazing fire, Dean proceeds to bitch about their current shelter situation. "Weeks!" he moans. "Weeks, we've been living with cold showers, cold Hot Pockets, cold freaking everything!" "This is the bottom," he emphasizes. "You guys get that, right?" Bobby does indeed get that, thank you very much, but as "the big mouths are out there, running card traces," he's determined to take "a page out of Frank Devereaux's bible" and remain off the grid for as long as possible.

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