How to Win Friends and Influence Monsters

Episode Report Card
Demian: B | 4 USERS: B
The Hardy Boys Don't Know Dick

Of course, this means the three wind up in Surly Brandon's section, and sure enough, the snippy waiter does not hesitate to offer several appropriate insults with their food. "Sidewinder Soup-And-Salad Combo goes to Big Bird," he announces, slamming a plate down in front of Sam. "TDK Slammer for Ken Doll," he adds, whipping another plate at Dean. "And a little Heart-Smart for Creepy Uncle!" he finishes, launching the final plate across the table in Bobby's general direction. "What is your problem?" Dean grumps. "YOU ARE MY PROBLEM!" Surly Brandon howls and, after gifting Dean with yet another brief Glare Of Death, he stomps back into the bowels of the restaurant. And with that bit of hilarity over, the boys plus Bobby settle down to process recent events. Unfortunately, Dean is immediately distracted by the unusual amounts of awesome deliciousness contained in his humble Pepperjack Turducken Slammer, and his audible paroxysms of poultry-induced ecstasy completely derail the conversation. Meanwhile, Surly Brandon screams that yet another customer is actually a great big fat person, and he quits on the spot.

Cut to The Lush Coastal Rainforests Of Southeastern New Jersey. The boys plus Bobby have ditched their FBI drag and now clomp through the forest in search of clues. It is astonishingly boring. "Yawn!" Thanks for backing me up on that, Raoul. "No problem!" And as they meander amongst the remarkably large ferns down there in the Pine Barrens, the three wax nostalgic for the halcyon days of their youth, or some such bullshit, until they stumble across...a mangled and bloody arm, dangling from a tree! "GOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!" "Looks like we found Phil," Dean sighs. Well, you know. What's left of him, at any rate. "EEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Are we enjoying ourselves? "EEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Good. And with that, we skip forward to...

...a little later in the day, by which time dusk has descended upon The Lush Coastal Rainforests Of Southeastern New Jersey. Ranger Rick pulls up in his truck and effervescently staggers over to the spot Our Intrepid Heroes are currently occupying to gaze up at what little remains of his erstwhile colleague. The arm, you'll be pleased to know, is still dripping. "EEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Ranger Rick, with an almost preternatural lack of concern, effervescently ambles back to his truck to call it all in to his superiors, and that's a very bad move on Ranger Rick's part, indeed, for we've suddenly gone all Animal Cam up in here again. "EEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Becalm yourself, lizard -- the as-yet-unseen beastie simply snatches Ranger Rick backwards into this evening's first METAL TEETH CHOMP!, so there's none of the good stuff to be had here. "Rats!" Yet. "EEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

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