How to Win Friends and Influence Monsters

Episode Report Card
Demian: B | 4 USERS: B
The Hardy Boys Don't Know Dick

The Lush Coastal Rainforests Of Southeastern New Jersey. Aftermath. Our Intrepid Heroes plus Bobby make with the Tough Guy Jazz Hands through the underbrush until forest noises erupt in the tree canopy far above their heads. For some ridiculous reason, Bobby suddenly decides to go all Shotgun Sensei on everybody's ass, and he shuts his eyes to let the sound of the beastie above guide his bullets. For some even more ridiculous reason, it works, and the canopy expels a dead, blood-streaked ghoul who's still clinging to what's left of Ranger Rick's forearm. "GOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!" The boys plus Bobby quickly decide to leave retrieval of Ranger Rick's remains to the New Jersey State Police -- a decision for which I'm certain my cousin Neil will be eternally grateful -- and they waste little time busily bundling what's left of the ghoul back to their...

...squalid little abandoned farmhouse on the outskirts of Hammonton. They stretch the ghoul out on that crapped-out dining room table in front of the cheery fire that's still mysteriously blazing away in the hearth and proceed to remark on the corpse's particulars until...the ghoul leaps to its bare feet atop the table to snarl at them! D'OH! Sam, Dean, and Bobby immediately whip out their respective automatics and blast the briefly reanimated ghoul full of lead. "VIOLENCE!" And when the shooting is done and the ghoul has dropped back down onto the table, by now most thoroughly dead, Our Intrepid Heroes plus Bobby proceed with their investigation, with Dean searching the ghoul's tattered jeans for some ID. Turns out the ghoul had once been a certain "Gerald Browder," a Hammonton local whose driver's license lists him as weighing in at 235 pounds. Bobby eyes the emaciated thing on the table and decides, "He's lost a little pudge!" "Maybe it's a lap-band side-effect!" Dean goofily grins. Sam tosses his brother the tiniest of bitchfaces as Bobby retrieves a handy dowel to probe one of the fresh bullet wounds in the late Gerald Browder's torso. The wood emerges from the wound coated with some sort of viscous grey goo, so Bobby decides it's long past time for an impromptu...

...autopsy! "EEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Shriek away, my scaly friend, for this next sequence is nothing if not delightfully gruesome. "Okay! EEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Bobby and Sam crack open the corpse's chest to find the organs inside literally swimming in more of that viscous grey goo, and as they probe further into the stomach, Dean -- how shall I put this? -- effervescently ambles in from elsewhere to wonder, "You guys getting hungry? I'm hungry." This time, Sam's bitchface is a bit more pronounced, but as he's elbow-deep in ghoul guts, he has little choice but to refocus his attention on the inventory of partially digested human and animal remains Bobby is now drawing from the corpse's entrails. "EEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Let's see, we've got some "fresh Rick," followed by smaller bits of Ranger Phil and the late, unlamented Mitchell Rayburn, and what's that? "Yeah, that's a cat's head," Darling Sammy replies, almost as if he's answering me directly, and with that, he pulls the furry, gloopy mess out of the dead ghoul's stomach to hold it up in front of the camera, the better for Raoul to go absolutely apeshit at the sight of the thing. "EEEEEEEEEEEEE!" "You gotta be damn hungry to eat a cat's head," Bobby opines. "Au contraire!" Raoul knowingly shrieks. "They're delicious! EEEEEEEEEEEEE!" I've been wondering why there are so few strays in this part of Brooklyn. "Oh, I'm just joshing with you, you silly little man!" Well, that's disappointing. I frigging hate cats. "Hee!"

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