How to Win Friends and Influence Monsters

Episode Report Card
Demian: B | 4 USERS: B
The Hardy Boys Don't Know Dick

Warehouse. Aftermath. Edgar hands the greatly altered waitron off to an underling, then joins Sheriff Jody's Leviathanically enhanced doctor for a stroll through the warehouse floor, where they chat about "the experiment" and "adverse reactions" and "refining the formula" until they reach a set of cages, where the underling deposits the greatly altered waitron among a group of similarly altered humans, all of whom are now banging on the bars. Edgar stares at the caged ghouls for a bit, then turns back to the doctor with the following simple order: "Burn them." "But they represent crucial test data!" the doctor protests. "Where the additive formula went wrong," he explains. "Where my initial projections failed!" Edgar waits until the doctor has finished with his outraged spluttering, then intones, "Dick is coming." "ZZZZZZ -- dirty! -- ZZZZZZZ!" The good doctor's eyes widen at the filthy news, and he wastes not an instant in relaying Edgar's burn order to his underling.

Meanwhile, out in the van, it's Dean's turn for a goddamned pep talk from Bobby, and I just can't with this bullshit anymore, so we'll be skipping ahead to the bit where Sam returns from his little reconnaissance mission around the warehouse just in time to join the others as they watch Dick Roman's caravan arriving at the warehouse's main entrance. "Well, I'll be a squirrel in a skirt," Bobby breathes. "It's Dick Frigging Roman!" "Who the hell is Dick Frigging Roman?" Dean quite rightly wonders, and we're so glad you asked, Dean, for it allows us to segue seamlessly -- snort -- into...

...a television news report cunningly entitled "THE RISE OF DICK." "ZZZZZZ -- now they're just trying too hard! -- ZZZZZZZ!" Yeah, you might want to find a way to rephrase that objection, there, lizard. "ZZZZZZ -- oops! hee! -- ZZZZZZZ!" In any event, the clip that follows gives us more Dick-centric information than I think any of us ever really wanted, and now they've got me doing it. Fuck you, Supernatural. Long story short -- GOD, I'm doing it AGAIN -- Dick Roman is a billionaire corporate raider with a rather lucrative sideline in motivational speaking whose heavy involvement in various right-wing causes has made him an obvious candidate for national office, even though he's repeatedly insisted he holds no political aspirations whatsoever.

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