Episode Report Card
Demian: C- | 2 USERS: B
The Hardy Boys Meet The Antichrist

Raoul! You've got to stop sneaking up on me like that! "My apologies, I'm sure! [Slurp!] Flagon?!" Not just yet, thanks, but I do believe you chose an excellent moment to return. "My timing is propitious!?" We'll go with that. "How so?! [Slurp!] [Skritchy-Skritchy!] Do tell!" Well, if you'd shut that gaping maw of yours for one second, I'd oblige you. "Thanks most sincerely, I'm sure! [Skritchy-Skritchy!] [ Slurp!]" Rrrrgh. So, we've cut to a pricey-looking low-slung late-model suburban home much later that evening, and once the camera's scuttled inside, we join a thirtysomething Canadian-accented gentleman as he states, "I'll just slip this tooth under your pillow, and while you're asleep, The Tooth Fairy will float down and swap it out for a quarter!" "Eeeek!" shrieks Raoul, nearly bobbling his flagon all over the carpet as he leaps up in his overstuffed armchair, afflicted with a sudden and severe case of fright, for the thirtysomething Canadian-accented gentleman has actually been addressing his preadolescent nightmare of a little girl. "I can't bear to watch! [Skritchy-Skritchy!] [ Slurp!] Why must they do this to me?!" Buck up, friend of friends, for her scene is brief. "Oh, thank heavens! [ Slurp! Skritchy-Skritchy! Slurp! Slurp!]" In any event, the demon child is less than enthused with her father's proposed course of action. "So some freak is gonna come in my room while I'm sleeping and take my tooth? Sounds scary. No, thank you!" Precocious little snotrag. "Eeeek!" The father places the tooth beneath her pillow anyway, tucks her in, shuts off the light, and leaves. The foul little precocious snotrag flops around beneath the covers to stare at the creepy fairy mobile dangling above her bed for a very long moment, and the next thing we know, the Hell-sent wretch is tippy-toeing into her slumbering father's bedroom, where she surreptitiously places the tooth beneath his pillow, and there is no way this situation is going to end well for anyone involved. "You mean!?" I do. "EEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

Later that night, the thirtysomething Canadian-accented gentleman rolls onto his back, making it easier for...a thick, wrinkly hand to clap itself over his mouth! DUN! The shot reverses to give us the thirtysomething Canadian-accented gentleman's perspective of things, and he's staring up in shock at some middle-aged meathead who looks exactly like the late, great Captain Lou Albano, if the late, great Captain Lou Albano had had a thing for frilly pink tutus, gigantic sparkly fairy wings, and dainty little tiaras. Hee. Not as good as the suicidal teddy bear, but it'll do. "Hold still," The Hairy Fairy rasps, pulling an enormous pair of pliers from the folds of his frilly pink tutu before warning, "You might feel just a little pinch!" "VIOLENCE!" howls Raoul, having long overcome his earlier scare. "WANTON ACTS OF UNREPENTANT DENTALLY INCORRECT VIOLENCE AND GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!" And with that, The Hairy Fairy twists and tugs and swivels and yanks the first of the by-now-screaming thirtysomething Canadian-accented gentleman's teeth right into the METAL TEETH CHOMP!

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