Episode Report Card
Demian: B | 6 USERS: A-
The Hardy Boys Nuke the Fridge
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

Rattle, Rattle BLOOD-RED THEN! And as this evening's THEN! consists of scenes dominated by a character I can't stand from a season I did not recap (and therefore do not remember well at all), I'll be keeping this brief: A long, long time ago, Darling Sammy decided to attend Stanford as a pre-law major on a full scholarship, which is the sort of joyous development in a child's life that all parents wish for most fervently indeed. Unfortunately for Darling Sammy, however, he got saddled with Sucky John as his worthless bastard of a so-called father, and so this bit of news led to nothing more than five years of screamy, hair-pulling bitchfights between the two until Sucky John finally -- finally -- had the goddamned good grace to drop fucking dead at the beginning of Season Two. And because John was such a lousy, rotten, horrific nightmare of a parent, Darling Sammy's gone from assiduously studying the law in California to fucking a corpse in a ramshackle shed in the middle of nowhere to sucking demonic blood from that corpse he's been fucking in seedy motel rooms, so even My Sweet Baboo's all, "Dude, not cool." And Dashing El Deano would, I'm certain, howl something terribly relevant to this evening's plot at this juncture, but I'm afraid I must tell him to shut the hell up for the...

...Slashy, Slashy NOW! The NOW! vanishes into utter blackness before the camera pulls away from a darkened wall to ease down the dimly lit nighttime hallway of a fairly well-appointed century-old house somewhere remote, I'm sure, until it reaches a small table near the window, upon which rest a couple of framed photographs featuring currently unidentifiable people in flannel before...Michelle Pfeiffer's somewhat less-attractive and decidedly less-talented younger sister screams into the frame! DUN! Yep, poor little Dedee Pfeiffer hurls herself against the wall, toppling the framed photographs in her desperate and futile attempt to flee the sad memories of her failed entertainment career before taking off down the hall, where she eventually flies into an empty bedroom to shut and bolt the door behind her. The rampaging revenant corpses of such atrocities as Cybill, For Your Love, and her relationship with George Clooney continue to scratch at and bang against the bolted door for several lengthy and panicked seconds, however, until they collectively decide to beat a strategic retreat, allowing us to get a good look at poor little Dedee for the first time this evening. Beneath her long winter coat, she's sporting a full set of surgical scrubs, so either she's still pining for dear Dr. Ross, or she's portraying some sort of hospital employee this evening. We'll be going with the latter, because maintaining the former's conceit throughout the remainder of the recap will prove, I'm sure, far too taxing for your faithful yet weary recapper. So, in any event, Dedee pants and heaves and gasps in fear and whatnot for a little while before pulling her shit together and barricading the apparently flimsy bedroom door with a chifferobe, after which she collapses onto the bed, exhausted from all of the unexpected exertion. Unfortunately for Dedee, the camera's decided to crawl beneath that bed for what I'm certain is a beastie point-of-view of her feet, so I'm thinking things aren't looking so good for Michelle Pfeiffer's less-talented sister, here. "Indeed they are not!" shrieks Raoul The Big Gay Supernatural Dragon, who's remained silent regarding this teaser's events for an unusually long time. "I was waiting for something exciting to happen!" Raoul shrieks again. "And I do believe we've reached that point now! Eeeeeeeeeeeee!" I do believe you're correct, my scaly friend, for as The Littlest Untalented Pfeiffer hyperventilates in fear on top of the bed, the camera creeps closer and closer and closer to her besneakered feet until..."VIOLENCE!" Yep, a pair of indeterminately gendered but evidently human-esque hands shoots forward to latch onto her ankles, and before she knows it, The Littlest Untalented Pfeiffer's slammed bodily forward onto the hardwood floor, where she screams and wails and claws at the varnish and overturns a nightstand until the human-esque beastie finally ends all of this foolishness by dragging her out of our line of sight. Meanwhile, the overturned nightstand's managed to disgorge a most intriguing artifact in the form of...a framed photograph of Sucky John! I'd give that a DUN!, I'm sure, but it'd just get drowned out by the...

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