Episode Report Card
Demian: B | 6 USERS: A-
The Hardy Boys Nuke the Fridge

...Flutter, Flutter RAAAWWWR!, just arriving, so screw it. "Eeeeeeeeeeeee!" shrieks Raoul as is his wont, even though even he must be wearying of this season's title card by this point in the year. "I am not!" Raoul assures me, and really, Raoul? The fluttering and the screaming and the black-and-white and all that? Not getting tiresome in the least? "No! 'Eeeeeeeeeeeee!' say I! 'Eeeeeeeeeeeee!'" Fine. But I give it another week -- tops -- before you start in with your overly elaborate yawning and such. "EEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Oh, now you're just fucking with me. "Hee!"

ANY-way, after the title card's disappeared from the screen, the camera fades up on one of those ridiculously scenic Metallicar In Nature still life compositions this show does so well -- this with the Impala parked beneath a lowering sky on the shore of a preternaturally calm lake with mountains in the distance -- before cutting around to a relative close-up of Darling Sammy brushing his teeth, opening wide at one point to hit the back molars, and I could watch Jared Padalecki brush his teeth for the entire damn hour. Sigh. He's even got a little toiletries bag next to him on Metallicar's hood, with a bottle of Scope protruding from the top. Hygienic nerd. Awwwwww. In any event, Dean rather gracelessly wakes up in the Impala's front seat and somehow manages to unleash his ungainly early-morning self onto the lakeside lawn while his younger brother wonders how he slept. "Howdjathink?" Dean mumbles before grumbling for breakfast. Sam reminds him they're two hours from anywhere at the moment, so Dean dives for a days-old tuna salad sandwich in the Impala's rear. Fortunately for his digestive tract, the car's glove compartment starts ringing at this point, and Dean's forced to abandon the stomach-turning congealed fish paste in favor of figuring out which of their 47,000 cell phones is vying for his attention. Turns out it's the one formerly owned by their worthless bastard of a so-called father -- last seen, I believe, in "Bad Day At Black Rock" -- so Dean wastes not an instant answering, only to find the hesitant, barely post-adolescent tones of one "Adam Milligan" bleating back at him, pleading to speak with Daddy Shut Up. Dean's forced to share the delightful news that Sucky John's been most thankfully dead these last two years, then finally thinks to ask, "Who is this?" The answer? "I...I'm his son." DUN! Like, literally this time -- the camera shoots all the way up into Dean's right nostril at that simple declaration, and The Simmering Strings Of Barely Plausible Plot Developments take this opportunity to strike an ominous chord on the soundtrack, so it's goodbye, ridiculously scenic lake setting, and hello...

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