Episode Report Card
Demian: B | 6 USERS: A-
The Hardy Boys Nuke the Fridge

...Adam's childhood home, where Dean's examining an appallingly Photoshopped image of Jeffrey Dean Morgan and Jake Abel posed in front of, like, the multitudinous hordes from the anguished depths of Hell, or something. "He took you to a baseball game?" Dean gasps. "When I turned fourteen," Adam confirms with a smile, so I guess I'm not too far off with that anguished-Hell thing as long as Sucky John dragged poor Adam to a Brewers game that year, though as I noted in the episode thread, the Brewers were in Arizona on September 29, 2004, and the Twins were in the Bronx, so who knows what the fuck is going on with this goddamned story. Well, you know, aside from the fact that it of course further illustrates how miserably deprived Our Intrepid Heroes' childhoods truly were, a taste of which we receive when Dean goes near apoplectic with rage over the very idea that his worthless bastard of a so-called father would take this kid to an actual baseball game on the kid's actual birthday when Sucky John couldn't even bother with a proper goddamned Christmas for Sam and Dean, for Christ's bleeding sake, and is that fair? I ASK YOU, IS THAT FAIR? "Demian! Volume!" Oh, I apologize, friend of friends. I was merely aping Dean's attitude at the moment, and I think I went a little overboard. "'Overboard,' indeed!" Like you're one to talk. "Oh, don't be peevish, you silly little man, and do hurry this charming little story of yours along, if you don't mind! If I remember correctly, the next scene is simply divine!" As you wish, Raoul. "Whee!"

So, after Dean gets all twitchy about the idyllic childhood Sucky John apparently saw fit to provide his bastard offspring while denying the same to his legitimate children, and after Adam rather touchingly and tearfully provides further detail regarding his mother's disappearance -- she got home from work last Tuesday only to "drop off the face of the earth," and the cops won't do anything about it -- the boys plus their new brother retreat to Mother Milligan's bedroom to investigate. Of course, the initial phase of the investigation involves the camera focusing on several more absolutely tragic Photoshopping abominations, the better to underscore Dean's sense of betrayal, or whatever, so let's skip ahead to the part where Dean discovers the bits of flooring positively ruined by Mother Milligan's manicure as she was dragged under the bed, shall we? "Let's!" Crap. "What?!" I forgot about the exposition. "Rats!" Yep, as Dean scans the bedroom for tragic Photoshopping abominations and clues, Sam arrives from a call to the police, and the news isn't good: Back in January 1990, Windom experienced a rash of seventeen grave robberies, and while the bodies then were quickly recovered -- thanks in part, apparently, to Sucky John, who appears in the shadowy background of a newspaper photograph of the period -- the corpse snatchings have resumed in recent weeks, with at least three missing from the local cemetery. Also, Mother Milligan's not the only living person to have gone missing over the last couple of days, as a local bartender named Joe Barton vanished mere hours before she did. The boys quickly determine that whatever Sucky John was hunting nineteen years ago is back, and what's more, it's -- as Sam so vividly puts it -- "stepped up its game to fresh meat." Our Intrepid Heroes return to The Boudoir Of Tragic Photoshopping Abominations And Marginally Talented Pfeiffer Sisters to see if Mother Milligan had any dealings with Joe The Bartender. She had not, according to Adam, and it's then that Dean discovers the bits of flooring positively ruined by Mother Milligan's manicure. "Hooray!" Hooray, indeed, my scaly friend, for this was getting tedious.

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