Episode Report Card
Demian: B | 6 USERS: A-
The Hardy Boys Nuke the Fridge

Thus left so alone, Darling Sammy -- understanding "what it's like to want sweet, sweet revenge" -- wastes not an instant before instructing Young Adam on the finer points of weapons handling. No, not like that! GOD, what is with you goddamned people and the Wincest? KNOCK IT OFF.

Elsewhere, the eldest LYING LIAR WHO LIES -- here once again posing as a Fed, this one named "Agent Nugent" -- enters Windom's latest desecrated crypt with your standard-issue creepy and inappropriate funeral director, and quickly learns thanks to the embalming fluid still spilled across the floor that the three missing corpses had been torn apart. Got that? Good. Next!

Over in some tavern, Agent Nugent parks his tantalizing derriere on a stool and chats up the barmaid, who just so happens to be Joe Barton's likely widow "Lisa." It's a nicely played, atmospheric little scene, what with the Burl Ives on the jukebox and all, but the gist of it all is this: Joe Barton was a Cottonwood County sheriff's deputy back in January 1990, and received a special commendation for solving the corpse-snatching case. Of course, his likely widow confides, he had some help in the form of an anonymous "specialist" whose name just so happens to rhyme with "Yucky Juan," which is all you need to hear at the moment, so we'll be heading back to...

...this week's motel room, where the weapons handling continues apace, and you can all just stop it with the goddamned tittering already. "Hee!" Are we feeling better, Raoul? "Much! Thanks!" Excellent, and excellent timing, my scaly friend, for we've arrived at the next good bit. "Hooray!" Yep, as Sam and Adam fondle their weapons while chit-chatting about Sucky John's most glorious demise at the hands of The Ceiling Demon, all of the lights in the room splutter and zot and short out, right before an ominous knocking sound emerges from the heating ducts just over their heads. DUN! "How exciting!" shrieks Raoul. "I wonder what could possibly happen next!?" Sarcasm is beneath you, Raoul. "Hee! [Slurp!]" In any event, Sam makes with the Tough Guy Jazz Hands to investigate the room's bath, but of course finds nothing there because the thing is in the heating duct, you moron! Run! Get out of the room! Get away from the goddamned building! Now! The stupid little people inside the television set eventually heed my sound advice, and Sam and Adam race for Adam's pickup, where they're about to embark when...something snatches at Darling Sammy's remarkably healthy ankles from beneath! "DEATH!" roars Raoul. "DEATH TO HIM WHO WOULD HARM THE ANKLES! Hee!" Needless to say, The Ginormotron topples like a very tall tree when he loses his balance and falls and falls and falls all the way down, down, down to the asphalt, and just as the beastie beneath the truck's about to drag the darling boy from our line of sight, Adam hustles around to drag the darling boy into yet another plot hole. Seriously, given what we learn later in the episode, why the hell wouldn't Adam have let Sam vanish into the sewers during this scene? "Perhaps!" Raoul helpfully suggests. "The charming little lad realized the dear boy's remarkably healthy shoulders were a bit too broad for the sewer opening!? Hmmmm?!" Oh, excellent idea, friend of friends. "Hooray!" We'll go with that, thanks. "Never a problem!" So, Secretly Evil Adam (ooops! Spoiler!) realizes Darling Sammy's remarkably healthy shoulders are far too broad to fit through the sewer opening, and starts dragging Our Intrepid Hero in the opposite direction just as Dashing El Deano arrives in the Impala. Dean immediately hops out of the car, scoops up Sam's temporarily discarded sawed-off shotgun, and blasts a couple of rounds in the general direction of the beastie beneath the truck. "VIOLENCE!" The beastie, apparently wounded, hastily withdraws, and Our Intrepid Heroes plus their Secretly Evil Half-Brother gasp and pant and flop straight back into a terribly grateful METAL TEETH CHOMP!

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