Episode Report Card
Demian: A | 8 USERS: A+
The Hardy Boys: Now On A Mission From God!

Darling Demonic Sammy checks the waitress's neck for a pulse and seems genuinely disappointed when he doesn't find one, but that's not important right now because emerging from the back of the diner at this very moment is...that Chrissssty chick? Buh? Oh, doy -- it's actually Ruby, in a brand-new host body! DUzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Long story short, Ruby insists -- nay, asserts, avers, avows, and affirms -- that nothing in Hell could resurrect Dean back to full and fully functional human form. Nothing! Got that? Good, 'cause we gotta jump over to...

...The Most Excellent Sequence Of A Most Excellent Season Premiere. While Sam was so busy being devious and demonic, Bobby and Dean spent the evening spray-painting "traps and talismans from every faith on the globe" around the interior of what I hope is an abandoned barn on the outskirts of town. I mean, if some poor sucker's still using the damn place, that guy is going to be pissed when he sees what they've done to it in the morning. Bobby voices a few more reservations regarding the summoning ritual they're about to perform, but Dean's not having it, and he sends Bobby over to a low table, where Bobby pinches some magical dust into a bowl. The bowl quite agreeably begins to smoke, so Bobby starts in with the heavy-duty Latination and...

...CRAP! I totally forgot we had to head back over to Johnny Mac's. Whatever. Let's get this out of the way quickly, shall we? "We shall!" I knew you'd say that. "Hee!" Sam and Ruby blather about...shit that's totally not important right now. Next!

Back at the barn, the Latination finished long ago, and Bobby and Dean are now just sitting around on the tables, picking the grime out from beneath their fingernails with knives, or something, because nothing happened. Yet. As the two mope at each other over their apparent failure, each individual piece of the barn's corrugated roof starts banging up and down against the rafters, and soon after that, every single damn lightbulb in the place explodes. "Wheeeeeeee!" Bobby and Dean scoop up various implements of demonic destruction and, as the light fixtures continue to sizzle and pop, the barred barn door groans inwards and eventually snaps itself open. A trench-coated gentleman -- calmly turning his head from left to right, taking in the scene as if entirely unperturbed by the damage his entrance is so obviously causing -- easily steps across the thick line of salt Dean and Bobby laid down at the doorway, and just as serenely continues through and across the traps and talismans from every faith on the globe until he stands before them in the center of the room. Bobby and Dean open fire with a couple of sawed-off shotguns, but The Gentleman never blinks, and the rounds of rock salt, while ripping holes through his clothes, seem to bounce back harmlessly from his body. Dean, now panicking, snatches up The Knife That Can Kill Anything and demands, "Who are you?" Entirely matter-of-fact about the whole thing, The Gentleman announces, "I'm the one who gripped you tight and raised you from Perdition," as if he doesn't realize at all how strange those words sound to, you know, actual people. "Thanks for that," Dean seethes, and with that, he plunges The Knife That Can Kill Anything into The Gentleman's chest. "EEEEEEEP!" shrieks Raoul, for he's grown quite fond of The Gentleman since said Gentleman first made his appearance and would, I believe, like to see a great deal more of The Gentleman in the future. "You are correct!" So, I take it this is a most unwelcome development for you? "It is!" Well, not to worry, because The Knife That Can Kill Anything And Actually Does is now The Knife That Can Kill Anything Except When It Usually Can't, because The Gentleman doesn't even bat an eye. "Oh, thank heavens for that!" Nope, he just grips The Knife by its handle and yanks it right back out of his body before dropping it to the floor. Bobby, now far more panicked than Dean could ever hope to be, lunges at The Gentleman's head from behind with a length of iron, but The Gentleman, preternaturally anticipating Bobby's actions, grabs the iron bar without ever taking his eyes from Dean's. This guy is a fucking badass. And he's hot, to boot. Have I mentioned how hot this guy is yet? "You haven't!" Don't worry. I will. "[Titter!]"

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