Episode Report Card
Demian: A | 8 USERS: A+
The Hardy Boys: Now On A Mission From God!

And after Our Dear Boys kick a little more demonic ass, we finally enter the bit of the montage that dredges up those horrible final moments of last season's finale, in which tricky Lilith deposed Ruby from Katie Cassidy's body to taunt and sneer at Our Intrepid Heroes for a moment before she released all the hounds of Hell upon Dashing El Deano's tantalizing ass, which all the hounds of Hell proceeded to shred into thousands of slimy and sticky strips. "GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!" hoots Raoul, now thumping his mighty tail against the floorboards, so great is his joy at having this modern classic of American television back on our screens after so long a summer hiatus. "It's true!" Raoul breathlessly agrees. In any event (and as you'll no doubt recall, I'm sure), Lilith then turned her Super-Special Death-Ray Hand upon our hapless Ginormotron, who -- much to the neverending surprise of Lilith, himself, and the entire viewing audience in general -- ended up entirely immune to said Hand's effects, and therefore immune, logically, to anything else she and her underlings could think to sling at his remarkably broad and healthy frame in the future. Lilith fled (leaving behind a thoroughly dead Katie Cassidy in the process, natch) and Sad Sam And His Tragic Hair dripped tears and snot all over Dashing Dead Deano's rapidly cooling corpse while Dean himself shot straight down into Perdition to spend his entire summer vacation dangling from meat hooks poked through his wrists and his side and his feet while clad in little more than a pair of tattered bellbottoms, and if that weren't depressing enough, I must now tell you all to shut the fuck up for the...

...Silence, Silence NOW! The brand-new blood-tinted NOW! slinks forward through the silence until it disappears into the black, only to be replaced by six short, bursting, extreme (and extremely bloody) close-ups of Dashing El Deano's terrified eyes as those eyes' owner darts them from left to right and back again while the high-pitched howling of the damned and their tormentors -- or is it? -- erupts around his head. A seventh, lingering close-up fills the screen for an awful few seconds before Dean...

...gasps his actual, corporeal self awake in the depths of someplace very dark. Uh-oh. Good thing College Boy was smart enough to stow Dean's thoroughly flayed and rapidly decaying ass away with a Zippo in the pocket, isn't it? "I'll say!" Raoul agrees. "Though I must admit," he adds, tossing a skeptical side-eye at the television screen, "why that dear little boy failed to immolate his equally charming brother's corpse upon a thoroughly festive and warming pyre is beyond me!" Because they're both in the opening credits, and The Kripkeeper needed a reasonably intact Dean Corpse to resurrect in this season premiere? "Oh, pish!" Raoul exclaims, two perfect circles of mortally offended smoke popping from his outraged nostrils. "I'll thank you not to insult my intelligence!" I think you do a pretty good job of that your... "SILENCE! Even that hairy little Bobby creature remarks upon the delightfully grotesque condition of Dean's corpse later in the episode, so I really don't know wh...!" And I really must stop you there, my scaly friend, because not only are you threatening to spoil later events with this entirely justified outburst of yours, but I'm also on a deadline, here. "Oh, I do apologize, I'm sure!" Raoul exclaims, an appropriately mortified paw clutching at his nonexistent pearls. "Please carry on! Right away!" Thanks. I believe I shall.

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