Episode Report Card
Demian: A | 8 USERS: A+
The Hardy Boys: Now On A Mission From God!

...the two are on the phone back in the kitchen, trying to activate a GPS trace on Sam's cell. The name on the account, by the way, is "Wedge Antilles," which apparently signifies something, though I'll be fucked if I can tell you what, and at this point in the evening, I can't be bothered to care. Trace activated, Dean next swings into action at Bobby's laptop, calling up Arc Mobile's website while noting the plethora of empty whiskey bottles littering the desk. "What's the deal with the liquor store?" Dean asks, waggling one of the bottles around in the air. "Were your parents out of town, or something?" "Like I said," Bobby sighs, "the last few months ain't been all that easy." "Atta girl!" shrieks Raoul, predictably enough, though I can't say I disagree with his sentiment. "Thanks!" No problem, friend of friends. So, anyway, while Dean tried and failed to guilt-trip the audience into a life spent on the wagon, or something, Arc Mobile managed to belch out a MapQuest triangulation of Sam's current coordinates, and uh-oh: He's in Pontiac, Illinois. As in, right where Dean popped out of the ground, so it looks like Dean's right about that fancy black mojo, except for the part where he's completely wrong about it all, so let's skip ahead to...

...The Hotel Astoria in scenic downtown Pontiac. You can tell it rents by the hour because the room numbers are tacked to little red hearts. Heh. Something tells me the actual Pontiac Chamber Of Commerce will not be pleased when they learn of this. In any event, Dean and Bobby reach Room 207 and pound on the door, only to have some tiny little brunette woman answer, looking for her pizza order, and Dean's about to bail when...tragedy strikes! For yes, gentle reader, Sam pops into the frame for the first time this season, and his hair is quite simply tragic beyond description. It's all greasy and matted and limp and the curly bits at the back are not so much clinging delicately to his ears as they are stuck there, glued to the lobes by the grime and unspeakable foulness Sam's allowed to nest on top of his head for these last, long four months, and I...I...I can't bear to look at it anymore, for it fills me with anger and sorrow. Oh, Sam. Though, you know, he's still getting laid despite the personal hygiene issues, if the presence of that little brunette's anything to go by. "Ahem!" Yes, my scaly friend? There's something you'd like to say? "There is! I do believe you're forgetting the fearsome example set both by the large blonde woman in the very first episode and by that devastating little werewolf back in Season Two!" Ack. How could I be so stupid? Of course Sam is not sleeping with this tiny little brunette woman, because this tiny little brunette woman is still alive! Oh, Sam!

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