Let It Bleed

Episode Report Card
Demian: C | 4 USERS: B+
The Hardy Boys Tell Lies, and I Got Proof

The bespectacled gent carefully reaches into one of the desk's drawers and pulls out a loaded revolver before slowly crossing to the other side of the room, where he shuts and locks the door. With trembling hands, he pours himself another slug of bourbon and is just about to take a sip when...the window behind him bursts inwards in glittering spray of splinters and shards! "EEEEEEEEEEEEE!" A dark figure with seemingly small hands has landed upon the bespectacled gent's carpet, and it now slowly advances upon him while he just as slowly backs away, mewling, "Please!" the entire time. "We didn't know!" the bespectacled gent insists. "I'm sorry!" he pleads, fumbling up against his desk, in the process knocking his manuscript to the floor. "Glaalaaalaaagh!" he gurgles as The Visitor apparently rips out his throat, and a fresh spurt of blood paints the manuscript pages red as the bespectacled gent keels over, dead. "GOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!" The camera lingers for a moment on the manuscript's blood-soaked cover page, and it appears to be a little tale called "The Haunter Of The Dark" by one H. P. Lovecraft. "Hack!" shrieks Raoul, pointing an accusatory yet exquisitely honed claw at the television screen, and as I have no desire whatsoever to read anything by that particular author, ever, I will accept your assessment of his merits without question, friend of friends, and move on to the...

...Tinkle, Tinkle RAAAWWWR! "Well!" shrieks Raoul once again. "Thank heavens they dispatched with that...that trifler before the episode proper!" Bad blood between you two? "Oh, my word, that man was positively beastly! Ill-mannered, and rude like you would not believe! Why, once when I was summering at...!" You know, I'm going to stop you right there, because I think you're on the verge of revealing a bit too much about yourself, if you know what I mean. "Mercy! My eternal gratitude, I'm sure!" No problem, friend of friends. Oh, and hey -- that shot of the blood-spattered manuscript reminded me of an old joke. "Do share!" Well, it seems pretty stupid, now. "I insist!" Okay, fine: What's black and white and red all over? "Oooh! Oooh! A nun with a spear through her head?!" Wow. That's way better than the answer I was thinking of. "Hooray! [Slurp!]"

Deep within the lush coastal rainforests of southeastern South Dakota, Our Intrepid Heroes sit across from each other in The Emporium's study, paging through a variety of ancient texts while chit-chatting about Dean's recent breakup with his Heavenly boyfriend, with Dean at one point wondering aloud why My Sweet Baboo even bothered to flutter on over for their last tête-à-tête in the first place. Bobby soon enters with the answer to that: One of the journals they swiped from The Campbell Family Archives is missing. Turns out Moishe Campbell -- of "the New York Campbells," by the way, for those of you who appreciate a dose of vaguely offensive ethnic humor with your Supernatural season finales -- was a contemporary of Raoul's ill-mannered nemesis, so it's quite a good thing that "paranoid bastard" Bobby xeroxed a copy of the guy's diary before Castiel swooped in and stole it. Bobby's even identified an entry relevant to this evening's primary plotline, in which Moishe tells of an impromptu visit to Providence, where he discussed "the events of March 10th" with "Howard Phillips," "Howard Phillips" of course being the first and middle names of the rude and trifling scourge who evidently ruined one of Raoul's long-ago vacations. "Horrible man! [Slurp!]" Naturally, Dim Dean has no idea who Lovecraft is, because he was "too busy having sex with women," but Studious Sam's quite excited about the whole thing, and becomes even more so when Bobby reminds him that Lovecraft's oeuvre frequently dealt with "opening doors to other dimensions and lettin' scary crap through." Like I said before: Never read the guy, never will, so if that's a mischaracterization of his work, scream at somebody who cares. Are we done here? "I think we are!" Excellent.

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