Episode Report Card
Demian: C- | 1 USERS: C+
The Hardy Boys Vanquish The Charmed Ones

Back at Horsey Amanda's, her carefully prepared feast goes up in flames. "Rats!" shrieks Raoul. "All that lovely food! Such a waste!" You scare me, dragon man. "My pleasure, I'm sure!"

Car. At Raging El Deano's shouty request, Philandering Phil admits to his sordid affair and starts naming names.

Horsey Amanda's. The witch of the house frantically flips through her -- yes, and ugh, and kill me now -- Book Of Shadows until some invisible dark demonic force whirls through her living room, extinguishing the candles. Horsey Amanda darts her crazy eyes around the room during the brief silence that follows, then doubles over in excruciating pain when that same invisible dark demonic force slices a jagged gash lengthways down the inside of her forearm. As Horsey Amanda begs for her life, or something, The Force slashes that forearm twice more before repeating the process on said forearm's opposite. "GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!" Raoul shrieks, writhing himself into an ecstatic frenzy over how utterly disgusting this evening's been thus far. Faaaaaaaaab-ulous!" Raoul agrees. Horsey Amanda screams and screams and screams until she bleeds out and flops forward directly into the METAL TEETH CHOMP!, most stickily dead indeed.

Horsey Amanda's. Aftermath. Our Intrepid Heroes pick the lock and enter with their weapons at the ready. "Dirty!" shrieks Raoul. I think the dear thing's still punchy from the earlier festivities, because I clearly meant their guns. "Absolutely filthy!" Oh, whatever, Raoul. So, in any event, Sam and Dean creep through the first floor until they find the witch of this manor splayed across her coffee table, still dead. "Well, that's a curveball," Dean huffs. They start poking around the place until Dean spins around to find...a dead rabbit, dangling from the ceiling! "DUN!" the soundtrack quite literally DUN!s, and if you'll pardon me, soundtrack, I think I'll be the one who decides what's a DUN! around here and what's not, thank you very much. "Why does the rabbit always get screwed in the deal?" Dean demands, eyeing the mangy rodent's corpse before adding a mournful, "Poor little guy." Heh. Sam redirects Dean's attention to the rapidly cooling witch corpse they have at their feet, and wonders why she went through all the trouble of hexing Janet and Paul, only to off herself in the end. Dean supposes it was one of those love-triangle murder/suicide things you hear so much about on the TV, but unfortunately for this theory, Sam quickly discovers yet another hex bag affixed to the coffee table's underside. "Looks like we got a little witch-on-witch violence," Dean grumps, annoyed that this episode still has twenty-seven minutes left to go, so clearly they'll have to hunt down another frigging coven. Dean makes a hasty call to alert the proper authorities regarding Horsey Amanda's untimely demise, and then Our Intrepid Heroes -- who are still on the FBI's most wanted list, last time I checked -- stand around chatting with each other for four hours instead of getting the hell out of Dodge while the proper authorities race to the scene. Oh, show. Oh, stupid, stupid show.

Another Frigging Coven. And, wow. I don't give a shit about any of these people, so let's keep this short: That "book club" Elizabeth mentioned earlier to Horsey Amanda? Is actually a Book Of Shadows Club, whose members also include an unremarkable blonde named Renee and a chic little sassily bobbed brunette named Tammi, so we know Tammi's the evil one. "You can tell by her positively diabolical French manicure!" Raoul agrees. To be perfectly honest, though, they're actually trying to push the rather selfish and amoral Renee as the dark demonic force in this situation, but I'm not buying it, because she's being too obvious about it. Anywho, Elizabeth enters Renee's tastefully appointed parlor for another Book Of Shadows Club meeting, but she's terribly unnerved and distressed over the untimely demise of both Dead Janet and the Horsey Amanda who killed her, and so wants to shut Book Of Shadows Club down. Tammi and Renee -- but most especially Renee -- talk Elizabeth out of this silly little notion, partly by insisting that Horsey Amanda was batshit insane and therefore not truly representative of Book Of Shadows Club's purpose and intent, but mainly by reminding Elizabeth of all the material gains they've enjoyed since the club began. So, long story short, they're all greedy little WASP women who deserve the gruesome deaths this episode has waiting for them at the end. Agreed? Excellent. Because when they kneel around Renee's coffee table, clasp hands, and start chanting, I find myself flung into an acid flashback involving wonky eyes, cooter tats, spasmodic twitching, and Brian Krause, and so am eager to fast-forward to the next scene.

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