Mannequin 3: The Reckoning

Episode Report Card
Demian: C- | 2 USERS: C
The Hardy Boys Experience Acute Renal Failure

"I wish I could take it all back," Ratbag Johnny swears once we've returned to the present, but Darling Sammy has absolutely no sympathy for the guy, and after he verbally bitchslaps The Ratbag for a minute or two, Our Intrepid Hero finally takes off to desecrate Sad Rose's sad remains.

Meanwhile, over in Michigan, Dreary El Deano enters Ben Braeden's bedroom to find Bendy Lisa's increasingly large bastard of a son absorbed in a video game of some sort on his iPhone. Dean peers over the kid's shoulder and scoffs, "That's ridiculous -- plants could never kill a zombie." And now that we're past the only moderately amusing bit of this entire scene, allow me to skip through yet another round of endless yammering to get to the point of the tedious conversation that follows: Ben pleads with Dean to move back in, but Dean rightly fears his influence will screw Ben up for life, and he refuses. Next!

Back in New Jersey, Sam's managed to dig up Sad Rose's sad remains, which he now douses with lighter fluid. He lights a match and stares at its flame for a very lengthy moment for some reason, then sets fire to Rose Brown's salted bones, after which he phones Ratbag Johnny to bark, "It's over." "You're safe," Sam continues, "but Johnny? Look at this as a new beginning -- a lot of chances not to be a jackass." Sam snaps shut his phone and gazes down at the burning grave until the camera jumps back over to find...

...Dean tooling his way through the night in the Impala, and oh, my holy God, this is just fucking ridiculous. Dean's grim expression hurls us all into a montage wherein...Bendy Lisa opens a door! And then...Bendy Lisa opens another door! And then Bendy Lisa opens another door, again! And then Bendy Lisa opens another door, again, some more! All of this antic door-opening feeds into a series of flashback images of Dreary El Deano and Bendy Lisa in happier times, and I guess we're all supposed to be misting up over Dean's lost opportunities, or some such bullshit, but as I believe I noted before, I stopped caring about this storyline about halfway through the season premiere, so fuck it. "You mean they're not going to slaughter the unusually limber little creature this evening?!" Doesn't look that way, Raoul. "Why, those heartless fiends!" I couldn't agree with you more, my scaly friend, but if you'll excuse me, I'd rather not dwell on it at the moment, because there are still nine godforsaken minutes left in this surprisingly dull episode, and I'd really like to get through them, like, yesterday, okay? "Okay! [Slurp!]" Damn, that cocktail of yours looks good. "Shall I fetch you one of your very own!?" That sounds like an excellent idea. "Hooray!"

Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8Next





Get the most of your experience.
Share the Snark!

See content relevant to you based on what your friends are reading and watching.

Share your activity with your friends to Facebook's News Feed, Timeline and Ticker.

Stay in Control: Delete any item from your activity that you choose not to share.

The Latest Activity On TwOP