Meet The New Boss

Episode Report Card
Demian: B- | 5 USERS: A+
The Hardy Boys Keep Losin', When They Oughta Not Bet

"Long time no spooning!" Lucifer croons with a -- wait for it -- devilish glint in his eye, and as that's sending my filthy mind straight down into all sorts of sordid places, and as I'd like to get this recap done, like, yesterday, I'll skip ahead to the explanation for Lucifer's unexpected arrival, such as that explanation is: Sam insists he's simply hallucinating Lucifer's presence down there in Crowley's laboratory, but Lucifer cunningly counters that it's really Crowley's laboratory that Sam's hallucinating, and that Sam has in fact been stuck in The Cage all this time. So, you know, the entirety of Season Six? Didn't actually happen. Which, quite honestly, is an idea I have zero problems getting behind, thank you very much. "Sounds like Lucifer doesn't have any problems getting behind Sam, yes?!" You just had to go there, didn't you? "I did!" Silly Raoul. "Why!?" Because everyone knows Satan's a bottom. "Ooops!"

Back in the laboratory proper, Bobby eyes the eclipse through a handy window, and uneasily notes it's approaching totality. Dean stompy-clomps off down that darkened hallway in search of his brother, and while he easily finds that jar of extra-special season-finale portal-opening blood Sam'd been clutching in his hot little hands mere moments ago, Sam himself is nowhere to be seen. DUN!

Dean hauls ass back to the laboratory proper, and let's wrap this up, shall we? "Hooray!" After Dean and Bobby smear the appropriate sigil onto the laboratory wall, the two haul My Godly Baboo up to the latter's unsteady feet, and Bobby steps off to one side to commence with the Latinating. Halfway through the chanting, the sigil begins emitting flames, and once Bobby's completed his little recitation, the wall cracks open to unleash a mighty, sucking vortex that siphons the souls straight out of Castiel's battered body to propel them back down into Purgatory. And when the sucking is done, the wall seals itself back up, and My De-Deified Baboo drops to the floor, dead. Or is he? "I can hardly stand the suspense!" Well, unfortunately, you'll have to find some way to endure it for a few minutes longer, my scaly friend, because we've just gotten ourselves bitch-slapped into this evening's final CHOMP!-less commercial break. "Rats!"

Laboratory proper. Immediate aftermath. Dean and Bobby check Castiel's apparently lifeless body for a pulse. Finding none, they commence with the mourning I'll not be bothering to transcribe, because what's this? My Sweet Baboo has opened his eyes, and all of those nasty lesions marring his adorable face have instantly healed themselves, seemingly of their own accord! I'd rejoice, but we still have the better part of two minutes to go in this neverending episode, and I know that means something wet and sloppy's about to hit the fan, so I'll just keep my mouth shut and watch as Dean and Bobby cheerily help Castiel to his feet. "That was unpleasant," My Sweet Baboo grunts before the three settle in to chat -- AGAIN, SOME MORE -- about recent events, and just when you think they're going to talk us all to death, it happens: "You need to run, now!" Castiel howls, doubling over in sudden agony. "I can't hold them back!" he wails, while Dean and Bobby audibly freak. "Hold who back?" Dean shouts, and who do you think, dumbass? Were you not paying attention to Death -- AGAIN -- when he lectured everybody about The Leviathans? Asshole. "They're so strong!" Castiel moans, the veins in his neck visibly throbbing thanks to the extraordinary effort he's exerting in his desperate attempt to hold the beasts in, and just when it seems like his poor little head is going to pop open like a zit from all the strain, Castiel shudders and jerks himself upright, a sinister yet giddy smile plastered all over his face. "Go get Sam!" a horrified Dean screams in Bobby's general direction. "Too late!" whoops the monster now controlling Castiel's body, and with that, Dean and Bobby find themselves flung end over end into this evening's very last METAL TEETH CHOMP! Dun-dun-Dun-dun-Dun-dun-DUN!

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