Mommie Dearest

Episode Report Card
Demian: A | 5 USERS: A+
What Are Hardy Boys Doing In This Closet?

...The 8TH STREET SPORTS LOUNGE. The quartet bangs through the busted front doors to find the place littered with mangled, bloody corpses, and you'll have to excuse me while I pause for a moment, as I believe Raoul has something to add. "GOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!" Feel better, hon? "Much, thanks!" Excellent. The gang splits up to poke and prod at the various dead patrons, with Dean quickly discovering both fangs and a wrist-spike on the battered and broken pre-credits brunette, much to his loud confusion. You see, fangs alone would indicate they're dealing with vampires, while that wrist-spike points towards wraiths, and no one present can ever recall finding both features on a single monster. "So, Eve's making hybrids now?" Dean peeves. "Looks like," Bobby shrugs, though neither of them of course can figure out why Mother's concocting these strange new creatures. The good news is, because Dean was the first to discover these vampy wraiths, he gets to name them. His choice? "Jefferson Starships." And why that particular moniker, I'm sure I hear you ask? "Because they're horrible, and hard to kill." Heh. I absolutely cannot argue with his logic, especially given both the mere existence of this piece of horrific crap and the fact that the fiends responsible for it are somehow inexplicably still on tour.

Of course, this still leaves the question of why all these freshly minted Jefferson Starships dropped dead, anyway, so Bobby arbitrarily decides they all "burned up" "from high fever," and we'll go with that, because it is so not worth arguing about it at this point. Meanwhile, the sheriff's arrived with several of his deputies, and they promptly place everyone present and not currently dead under arrest. Quite fortuitously, Dean had chosen to duck down behind the bar right before the long arm of the law made itself known, so he gets to crouch beside a leaky corpse while Bobby, Sam, and My Sweet Baboo get slung into handcuffs and escorted over to...

...the Grants Pass police station. And as the sheriff and his deputies hustle their prisoners back towards the holding cells, Sam happens to glance up at a monitor displaying a closed-circuit feed of the station's entranceway, and wouldn't you know it? The feed reveals the sheriff and his deputies all have unnaturally glowing eyes. Who'd have guessed it? "Oooh! Oooh!" I take it from the way you're frantically waving that perfectly manicured paw of yours around in the air that you'd like to answer my question, Raoul? "I would indeed! [A-him!] Moi, perchance?!" Yeah, vous and me both, you dizzy lizard, along with everybody else in this show's rapidly dwindling audience. Now, might I continue? We're nowhere near done with this episode's blood and guts for the evening. "Oh, by all means, then!" Thanks.

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