Supernatural

Episode Report Card
Demian: A | 11 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
The Cracky Boys Crack The Crack Crackman Of The Crackopacrack

...BAM! Russell's tossed Alice up against the refrigerator in her apartment's kitchen because nerdboy's secretly dirty like that, and there's some heavy panting going on as he dives down to nuzzle her neck while she fumbles with the buttons of her prim pink blouse, and soon enough, she's down to little more than her pristine white brassiere. "I respect the crap out of you right now!" Russell gasps as he detaches his mouth from her neck long enough to discard his V-necked sweater vest. "Shut up!" Alice playfully grins while relieving him of his snap-buttoned plaid and then there's some generalized grinding and groping and such until sweet-seeming Alice bites down a little too hard on Russell's neck, drawing blood. "EEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Alice immediately stops what she'd been doing and, wide-eyed with surprise and dismay, draws away from him for a moment with apologies and blood now dripping from her lips. "It's okay!" Russell huskily assures her. "It's good!" the freaky little nerdboy adds with a lusty glint in his eye that's quickly met by a pair of equally lusty glints in Alice's own, and she lunges forward to tear another bit of skin from his throat as he sinks his teeth into her bicep and she wails, "I want you, Russell -- all of you inside me!" and he shouts, "Yes!" and then she rips a stringy piece of flesh from his neck with her teeth and impishly chews on it right before he strips off a piece of her arm and she rams her fingernails into his chest and yanks and he slams one bloodied hand against the refrigerator door on his way down to gnaw open a hole in her stomach and they're slurping and squishing and slopping all over each other in wave after wave of increasingly insane and bloody passion until...

...SPLAT! "GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!" And while Raoul wriggles himself into a rapturous blur of unprecedented and ear-piercingly loud grue-induced euphoria over there on his overstuffed armchair thanks to that delightfully appalling and immensely gratifying opening sequence, I'll quietly skip ahead to the bit where...

...Darling Sammy, once again masquerading as a dapper federal agent, gingerly fingers the blood-encrusted valentine Russell and Alice left on her refrigerator door while he too-casually asks of Alice's freaked-out roommate, "So, you were the one who found the bodies?" "There was blood everywhere," the freaked-out roommate offers by way of response as she packs now-dead Alice's tchotchkes into boxes in the living room before pausing to add, "And... other stuff." "EEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Darling Sammy winces sympathetically as Freaked-Out Roomie continues, "I think Alice was already dead." "But Russell wasn't?" Sam prompts. Freaked-Out Roomie silently squirms around for an uncomfortable moment until she finally admits, "I think he was -- mostly -- except he was still sort of... chewing." "EEEEEEEEEEEEE!" And now that Raoul's gone paralytic with bliss over this latest compelling development -- paralytic, I should note, save for a few involuntary spasms of pure, unadulterated joy -- I can safely ignore him for the next several minutes to deal with this week's necessary exposition. Long story short, and as you've probably guessed by now, Alice and Russell pretty much ate each other to death right there on the hastily scrubbed and therefore still-stained kitchen linoleum, but the really weird thing -- according to Freaked-Out Roomie, here, at least -- is that up until the evening of her untimely demise, Dead Alice had never once exhibited any sort of psychotic behavior at all. In fact, Alice was such a teetotalling, purity ring-sporting, Bible-thumping, goody-goody nice girl that her last evening with Dead Russell was her first date in months. "She was so excited," Freaked-Out Roomie mournfully reminisces. "Apparently," Darling Sammy Carusos, "they were both pretty excited." YEEAAAAHH!

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Supernatural

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