Episode Report Card
Demian: B | 19 USERS: A+
The Hardy Boys Freeze Their Butts Off Waiting To Worship A Rat

Aftermath, and are you ready for a montage? I said, ARE YOU READY FOR A MONTAGE? "Absolutely not! ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!" Sorry to lose you, Raoul, for yes, gentle reader, in the wake of Dim Dean's untimely and entirely preventable death, Darling Sammy With The Super-Special Puppy-Dog Eyes slowly becomes Deluxe Dead-Eyed Deadly Action Sammy through the miracle of a few short scenes spliced quickly together beneath an explanatory voice-over, the last of which in this case takes the form of a series of voicemails from Bobby, who repeatedly tries and fails to reach Deluxe Dead-Eyed Deadly Action Sammy while offering congratulations on the trail of terror Deluxe Dead-Eyed Deadly Action Sammy's supposedly leaving in his wake as he tears through the night in the Impala, alone, over a three-month period. Demons in Death Valley? Dead! Vampires in Austin? Dead! Sammy's proper use of appropriate dining utensils? Dead! And we know how hard-ass he's become because we see him eating a grilled chicken breast! Alone! In a motel room! I know! Well, actually, we know how hard-ass he's become because he makes his bed. No, seriously. No. Seriously. I wish I were kidding with that, but I'm not. Also, and in what I have to admit is a nicely done effects sequence, Deluxe Dead-Eyed Deadly Action Sammy -- Now With Super-Special Pain Suppression! -- extracts a bullet from his heretofore remarkably healthy abdominals and stitches the wound up himself. It's delightfully gruesome, and I'm certain Raoul would have something complimentary to add, but he dropped into a coma as soon as this tedious montage sequence began, so let's get to the end of it already: Finally, and at long last, Bobby drops a final voicemail to announce he's located The Trickster, so Deluxe Dead-Eyed Deadly Action Sammy heads over to...

...The Broward County Mystery Spot? WHATEVER, SHOW. Oh, sorry! Sorry! My bad. Bobby, who's already chalked an intricate symbol on the floor of the place, explains that he uncovered a summoning ritual that'll work in any location known to have fallen under The Trickster's influence, or something like that, so that's why he summoned Deluxe Dead-Eyed Deadly Action Sammy back to Florida. One problem: this isn't really Bobby, and Sam knows it, and the audience knows it -- especially when Bobby insists that the summoning ritual requires a gallon of fresh human blood -- so let's skip ahead to the part where Deluxe Dead-Eyed Deadly Action Sammy drives that blood-encrusted stake of his into Faux Bobby's back, shall we? "GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!" I thought that would rouse you, my scaly friend. "You thought right!" You're not disappointed that it's simply yet another of The Trickster's illusions? "Not in the least! In fact, I'm thinking of hiring that darling man to handle the entertainment at my next gala birthday soirée!" Oh, I do hope you'll invite me this time. "Consider it done!" Excellent.

So, Deluxe Dead-Eyed Deadly Action Sammy sticks Faux Bobby like a pig, and the tip of the stake ends up protruding from Faux Bobby's chest, and it's all so gratuitously disgusting that I get a little misty-eyed in appreciation, but in the end, as I've noted, it's simply yet another illusion The Trickster's concocted to teach Darling Sammy a lesson. Yeah, he tries to fake Darling Sammy out for a moment by leaving Faux Bobby's faux corpse on the ground just long enough for Sam to question his own sanity, but in the end, Faux Bobby shimmers out, and Richard Speight materializes to drill a lengthy lecture on The Dangers Of Obsession into -- as The Trickster puts it -- "that freakish Cro-Magnon skull" of Sam's. Hee. God, The Trickster's a bitch. And although I'm fond of his presence on the screen and look forward to his next appearance on the show, let's get this over with: the boys, to absolutely no one's surprise by this point, represent each other's greatest weakness, and if they don't get their collective act together, fast, The Other Side will win The War That Is About To Begin Any Second Now, We Promise! Does Sam understand? Not really, but he reverted from Deluxe Dead-Eyed Deadly Action Sammy back to He Of The Super-Special Puppy-Dog Eyes about three seconds into Richard Speight's spiel, so The Trickster has little choice but to snap his fingers once more and...

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