Supernatural

Episode Report Card
Demian: A | 7 USERS: A
YOU GRADE IT
The Hardy Boys Are So Screwed

RAAAWWWR! "Eeeeeeeeeeeee!" shrieks Raoul, The Big Gay Supernatural Dragon, who was uncharacteristically quiet during that opening sequence. "Only because that opening sequence was uncharacteristically short!" You realize you just left me the perfect opening to mock Jensen Ackles's relatively diminutive stature, don't you? "Well, don't take advantage of it for once! That opening certainly was oddly dull for this show, and I do realize that situation's not about to improve for some minutes, but the latter two-thirds of the hour is simply so fraught with tension and suspense and GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE! that you need to get yourself there posthaste!" Um, I'll get on that right away, Raoul. Okay? "Okay!"

Through the blackness that follows come the words "Milwaukee, Wisconsin" at the bottom of the screen before the location card amends itself with "One Day Ago." An overly thin brunette with rather prominently displayed mammaries boobs her way through the location card to flirt, "So what's it like being an FBI guy?" Barely covering those prominently displayed mammaries of hers is a top so ghastly, I find myself on the teetering on the verge of a horrifically painful flashback to Rose McGowan spasmodically slurring her way through the very last episode of Charmed, ever, and as that is a place I've no desire to revisit in this or any other lifetime, I'll be doing my best to focus on the brunette's face during what follows. Not trying terribly hard to focus on the brunette's face at all is El Deano, who turns to answer her question with a suavely casual, "Well, it's dangerous." "And the secrets we gotta keep?" he continues, shaking his head slightly while slathering on the charm. "God, the secrets," he muses all faux-wistfully before concluding with heavy amounts of innuendo, "But mostly, it's lonely." "I so know what you mean!" the brunette vows solemnly, and she so does not, because she's a salesgirl in a jewelry store in Milwaukee, for God's sake, but she just wants the fine specimen before her to whisk her off to her boudoir, like, yesterday, and who the hell can blame her what with the way El Deano's shoulders are working that dark overcoat of his to death and the store's soft white lighting is hitting his preternaturally gorgeous mug at just the right angle and the eyes and the cheekbones and the smile and I have got to skip ahead to the next scene because I am never going to make it through the recap alive at this rate.

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Supernatural

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