Of Grave Importance

Episode Report Card
Demian: A- | 3 USERS: A-
You in Danger, Hardy Boys

...the dark and forbidding façade of a majestic yet run-down manor somewhere overgrown and spooky, and in case you were wondering, we last saw this majestic and spooky façade "five years ago when it was on the other side of the continent. Just pointing that out. Anyway, after lingering on the place's weed-choked front gate for a moment, the camera ducks inside, where it finds this evening's first two bits of Monster Chow gnawing on each other's' faces in what remains the decrepit old pile's main parlor. The trespassing teens break the lip-lock long enough for the female of the two to titter, "We shouldn't be here!" and then it's back to the macking while...

...Miss Annie swings her car into the manor's forecourt. The headlights rake across the abandoned home's front windows...

...alerting the fornicating adolescents inside to the impending arrival of an unwanted interloper, and as they snatch up their flashlights to flee...

...Miss Annie trains a flashlight of her own on the manor's enviable Art Nouveau doors. Meanwhile...

...the imperiled fornicators have reached the shadowy foyer in their frantic attempt to flee, but what's that? Their flashlights start buzzing and blinking and flickering on and off, seemingly of their own accord! DUN! And things only get worse when a mountain of a man unexpectedly materializes in silhouette at the far end of the hall. Dun-dun-DUN! "You shouldn't have come here!" the morbidly obese manifestation seethes, right before it comes barreling down that hallway to, um, tackle the imperiled fornicators to the floor? We'll go with that for the moment, I suppose, and as the female piece of Monster Chow grimaces and furrows and makes to scream her damn fool bleached-blonde head off...

...Miss Annie click-click-clicks her oddly demure heels into the dark and forbidding entranceway, her perilous path lit only by the bitty beam of light in her hand. Cobwebs abound. As do corpses, unsurprisingly enough, which Miss Annie discovers when her bitty beam hits the rapidly-cooling remains of this evening's first bits of Monster Chow, now littering the foyer floor. The filthy fornicators appear to have bled out through their mouths, for whatever that's worth, but that's not really important right now because what is important right now is the fact that Miss Annie's flashlight has also taken to buzzing and blinking and flickering on and off, and Dun-dun-Dun-dun-Dun-dun-DUN! Almost immediately, the manor's front door slams shut behind her, and just as Miss Annie realizes she's stumbled into some very deep shit, indeed, her woebegone face gets itself obliterated by tonight's...

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