Of Grave Importance

Episode Report Card
Demian: A- | 3 USERS: A-
You in Danger, Hardy Boys

Elsewhere, Dashing El Deano hacks into Dead Annie's voicemail, and he and Darling Sammy listen to a haze of EVP left earlier in the week that sounds as if it's repeating "Free me!" over and over again. DUN!

Back in the parlor, Dead Bobby and Dead Annie watch as another ghost emerges through a wall to push a stool closer to the parlor's bar. This new gentleman then takes a seat and begins leafing through an actual book he somehow managed to drag through that wall with him because this stupid show sucks even when it's otherwise busy being surprisingly engaging and, after both Dead Bobby and Dead Annie marvel at the new gentleman's mad ghosting skillz for a bit, Dead Bobby attempts to overturn a trunk masquerading as a coffee table. Of course, he fails, and instead goes flying through the thing to end up on his hands and knees atop the moldering parlor carpet, much to the amusement of Dead Annie. The gentleman at the bar makes a snippy and coldly dismissive remark or two, but as he's the first of their fellow spirits to give them the time of day, Dead Bobby and Dead Annie promptly pepper him with questions about the place, which the snooty elder ghost just as promptly refuses to answer. He does allow, however, that his name is "Haskell Crane," and that he's been stuck in Stately Van Ness Manor ever since he was brutally stabbed to death in that very room on April 17, 1932. And then, well, you remember that scene in Ghost wherein the late Vincent Schiavelli taught the late Patrick Swayze how to litter in the subway? Same thing happens here. Like, the exact same thing happens here, to the point where even Dead Bobby feels the need to comment on how similar the sequences are, so I'll be skipping ahead to the bit where the tawdry and utterly uninteresting rip-off's interrupted by the sudden high-pitched shrieking of one of their fellow specters. Dead Bobby and Dead Annie whip around to watch as a disheveled woman clad in tattered rags unhinges her lower jaw to howl at the air for a moment until she shudder-zips across the room to burst into a cloud of unearthly dust right in front of their faces. "What in cold hell was that?" Dead Bobby grumps. "That's you, one day," Dead Haskell haughtily replies. "That's all of us," he goes on to admit, explaining that the phantoms of Stately Van Ness Manor "deteriorate at different rates." As if to back this assertion up, he directs their attention towards a century-old apparition who looks like rats have been chewing on her face for at least the last three decades, and great big ups to the makeup crew for that one. I haven't seen anything that disgusting on this show in months.

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