Episode Report Card
Demian: A- | 7 USERS: A+
The Hardy Boys Go Where Angels Fear to Tread

Meanwhile, back at the abattoir, Uncle Arthur will not shut the fuck up already, so let's cut to the chase: Daddy Shut Up actually spent an entire century in Hell getting tortured by Alastair, but never once did Sucky John accept Alastair's offer, so that of course makes Sucky John a much better person and much stronger man than Our Stumpy Little Bow-Legged Pussy-Boy Wimp Of An Intrepid Hero, here, who, as you'll recall, caved after only thirty years of repeated flaying, and oh, my God: Sucky John refuses to stop sucking even now, after all of this time! "It really is a most unusual talent that man has!" Raoul agrees. In any event, none of Uncle Arthur's bitchy remarks manage to deter Dean from the task at hand, as Dean's been dreaming of this moment for a very long time, and Dean slowly and deliberately fills a hypodermic needle full of holy water which he then...

...jams into Alastair's neck off-screen, apparently, because the next thing we know, we're out in the antechamber with the meat hooks and the Castiel, listening as Uncle Arthur howls and wails and keens and screams, and the camera lingers lovingly on My Sweet Baboo's troubled expression for a very long moment until Our Beautiful Castiel drops into the depths a most grateful METAL TEETH CHOMP!

Back from the break, Uncle Arthur's still talking, so we're going to head back to this week's motel room to check in on Princess Embolism's progress with that little locator spell of hers, and it does kick a fair amount of ass once she gets down to it. While Latinating, Princess Embolism touches a lit candle to the corner of a table-sized map of Wyoming, and as her eyes flip beetle black, the flames race around the very edge of the paper before leaping in height, plunging inwards to meet at the center before chimneying up towards the ceiling without destroying the map beneath. It's a neat little effect, if I say so myself. In any event, once the Latination's done, the flames gradually eat away at the paper until Princess Embolism calls, "Out!" at which point they immediately extinguish themselves, leaving an entirely unburnt circle of paper in the middle of a square of ash. Dean is, of course, in the unburnt part of Wyoming, and Princess Embolism casually remarks regarding the angels' lack of supernatural shielding and whatnot until Darling Sammy shuts her up with a hushed, urgent, "It's been weeks -- I need it!" and Jesus Christ, Sam. Can't Ruby's magical undead vagina wait until after you've rescued your brother? I mean, I'm pretty sure it's still going to be there at the end of the episode. "I myself am shocked and appalled at the dear boy's misplaced priorities!" shrieks Raoul, clutching at his nonexistent pearls with a shocked and appalled -- yet expertly honed -- paw, and ooops. "What?!" We might be wrong, friend of friends. "How so!?" Well, despite the fact that Sam places himself on one of the motel room's twins, and despite the fact that Princess Embolism proceeds to mount him like a jockey, and despite the fact that they next shove their tongues down each other's throat, I'm having a problem figuring out how that huge knife Ruby pulls from her boot figures into any sort of foreplay. "I've a few ideas, I'm sure!" Raoul titters knowingly. "That saucy boy! Who ever would have guessed?!" Certainly not I, Raoul. Certainly not I. In any event, Sam's not after Ruby's magical undead vagina at all, for Princess Embolism immediately puts a halt to all the mackery and slices open her own arm, after which Darling Sammy desperately dives down to lap at the wound, and with that, The Corpse Fucker has become The Corpse Sucker. Oh, Sam! "Most unhygienic indeed! It's much better when the blood is fresh!" I don't even want to know.

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