Out With the Old

Episode Report Card
Demian: D- | 4 USERS: A
You Guys Should Totally Come To The Hardy Boys' DJ Night!

Elsewhere, two red-jacketed real estate agents attempt to convince an elderly gentleman to sell them his hardware store. The elderly gentleman declines their offer. This will become important later, because tedious plotlines involving arcane real estate transactions are precisely why we tune in to this show every week, but for now, let's head on over to...

...the quaint antiques shop from which Poor Dead Irina's vicious toe shoes were originally purchased. The shop's got a gigantic "GOING OUT of BUSINESS" sign tacked up to its front door, but Our intrepid Heroes ignore that in favor of barging on in there with Poor Dead Irina's vicious toe shoes carefully suspended from, like, a pair of pencils, or something, so Darling Sammy might demand of the baggy, downcast gentleman they find therein, "You sell these?" "Uh. Yeah," the baggy gent dazedly replies. "Where'd you get 'em?" Sam snaps, all accusatory and such. "My mother had 'em in that box," the baggy gent shrugs, hiking his thumb in the general direction of the shop's main counter, where Sam of course finds an empty fellow to the elaborately decorated "curse boxes" presented to us way far back at the beginning of this evening's THEN! Darling Sammy swiftly slams Poor Dead Irina's vicious toe shoes into the thing, thereby instantly breaking the hold the satanic slippers had on what's left of Dashing El Deano's brain, and so much for that subplot, so let's get this next round of expository blather out of the way, okay? Excellent. Long story short, this "Scott Freeman" person found the box and several others like it after his mother died quite unexpectedly last week. Since then, he's been selling the stuff off -- for entirely innocent reasons, by the way -- and as if to support this claim of Baggy Scott's, Dashing El Deano quickly locates another couple of curse boxes as empty as the first. DUN! Darling Sammy takes a moment to allow his oversized big-boy panties to bunch themselves up in a tight little knot, then peeves, "What was in those boxes?"

We don't get an immediate answer, of course, but we do get shunted over into this evening's only thoroughly entertaining sequence, so I won't complain. Much. The camera cuts to the interior of a terribly well-appointed kitchen elsewhere in the city, and as a pleasant middle-aged woman draws a tremendous and tremendously deadly-looking knife from a rack to chop up some cucumbers, the camera proceeds to tease us with a series of loving, lingering shots focused in on various objects that may or may not be cursed, including the aforementioned knife, an old-fashioned meat grinder stuffed to overflowing with vividly-tinted chunks of beef, and a pair of antique scissors resting atop a stack of Biggerson's coupons. It's ridiculously tense-making, and it's a hell of a lot of fun, but unfortunately, they can't keep this sort of thing going forever, and it ends all too soon when the woman's uncommonly ornate tea kettle starts whistling, at which point it becomes obvious which of the kitchen's pricey accoutrements will ultimately prove this woman's downfall. And sure enough, the instant the whistling begins, the woman's expression goes unnaturally blank, and she shuffles over to the stove in a daze to wrap her hand around the kettle's red-hot handle, scorching her flesh as she lifts the thing into to the air to pour a stream of boiling water directly into her mouth.

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